ap·a·thy \ˈa-pə-thē\

I say, "Meh."

2012-01-26T22:04:00.000+08:00

Ms Lee Suling (my jc teacher) once asked me, "why do you want to do well for A levels?" and I said something like, "I don't want to disappoint my parents." Then she reprimanded me and said that I have to want to do it for myself. I didn't understand then because at that point, not disappointing my parents was a great motivation and it was really the only major reason that I didn't want to fail as badly as I did in my mid-years. (Believe me, it was bad.)

But I understand now. I understand why I have to want to do well in my studies. Because someday ... It's just not going to be enough, this whole "I'm doing it for my parents" thing. If I continue with this mindset, one day, I'm not going to be motivated enough and it will just be a million times harder to get myself to do anything and I will give up.

Yesterday, I actually said out loud to somebody that "I don't believe in formal education." In retrospect, I think my words might have been a little too absolute. Definite. No, I should have said, "I don't think I'm meant for formal education." It's true, you know, what people say, that you can't kill an idea. Once it's there, it's there.

Oh damnit, all that time spent at home during the first week.
I reckon something is happening to me.

The Problem.

2012-01-25T21:51:00.001+08:00

You know what the problem is?

It is this.

Always this.

袖手旁观

Ultimatums.

2012-01-24T01:02:00.003+08:00

Some things are better off left unsaid, or at least better off said later. That was uncalled for. And it sucks because I am left to feel guilty for something in which I did no wrong. I feel wronged and maligned. And I don't think these are unwarranted feelings. I'M OUT.

... And sad that it always comes right down to this.
It probably is me, isn't it?
~~I am so fatalistic omg the drama~~

Feels So Rough.

2012-01-14T04:50:00.000+08:00

Wish I still wrote like I used to
But that is not what you do
When there is nothing to forget
When there is no regret
Nothing of the sort

Maybe we choose not to write about happy things because we don't need to express them in words for them to be remembered, we just remember them. Whereas with sadness or angst or anything negative, really, we just want to wrap ourselves in it. We want to envelop ourselves in it and hide under this blanket of negativity. Basically, you know, to throw our own pity party where we are the only guests. To be honest, those type of pity parties are the best.

Nothing happened, really.
Nothing of the sort.

For the people who have come and gone
And for the ones I have left behind

I hope you're ok. And a part of me still wishes we were friends, but I know it is not meant to be. At least not for now. Maybe not ever.

Making The Wrong Turns.

2011-12-06T00:12:00.001+08:00

Life is meant to be what it is. ... Everything sounds good in my head, then bam, I write it down and here it is, looking lame, having lost all of its ingenuity. -.- Or maybe it lacked ingenuity in the first place. Bleagh, writing writing writing. (I will leave this for another day. Please remind me to come back.)

On being sad. ...

Dragon Warrior.

2011-12-03T02:35:00.001+08:00

"The peace you find when you get over that one thing that's been really bugging you and eating away at you"

I hope I get that soon. It's so difficult and I don't know why. I guess it just is. Thank you, God, for never allowing me to give up on this during times where I have felt like it was too much to take, times where I have felt that it was not worth what I had been crying about, times where I felt like there was nothing left for me to hold onto. Because when the time comes where you do remind me ... of the really little things that stand for so much and why I came to love (and still continue to love), I am so very thankful that although I was about to loosen my grip, I didn't let go and am still holding on.

For The Sake Of The Call.

2011-11-26T01:57:00.001+08:00

It's 1:57AM, and I really should be sleeping now, considering I have to be up in 4 hours! But I already had the intention to do this (blog on the night before praise concert) since a few days ago, so I'm keeping to it. :D Am writing later it later than I expected though, since I am such a procrastinator, and was still doing my film diary. Speaking of which, it is still far from completion. :S

BUT you know what, I'm going to leave that as a problem for future Joan, because today Marie is happy just to be alive and to be able to serve with the community and absolutely excited for the epic worship that is to come tonight! :D (If I spam smilies in this post, don't mind me, because I am really beyond excited/nervous djflaskeweoquieujddhsj :D :D :D)

Actually, I just really want to thank everyone that is not part of the band. So all production, event management, logistics, dancers, Titos and Titas, the helpful SFCs etc. - LISTEN UP! I really honour you all and I am really overwhelmed with joy that I got the opportunity to work with such a wonderful, dedicated bunch of individuals. I can feel my insides tearing up and I might just literally tear up as I continue to write this. I just want to say that, you guys are the best and being in the background is not always easy. Sometimes, people will take you for granted or they will fail to see your worth or what you have contributed but know that everything counts because He sees everything.

Nobody stood and applauded them

So they knew from the start, this road will not lead to fame

All they really knew for sure was Jesus had called to them

He said 'Come, follow me' and they came

With reckless abandon, they came

At the end of the day, we are not out to impress anyone else but Him. Everything else is secondary to our purpose of glorifying our God. "So the last will be first, and the first will be last" Matthew 20:1 So don't ever feel like you're nothing or indispensable, because you are not. The band may be the one standing in front, but nothing would have been possible without all of your help. Thank you for being such good and faithful servants that have put in your all for this.

In fact, I think it is more difficult for you all, doing things that are new to you (like production) and yet, being expected to achieve so much. But you know what, everything is going to fall into place the way He planned it and we know and believe that it will all be awesome because we have such a great God backing us up. You guys are not thanked enough and I just really wanted you all to know that you guys are appreciated. :')

As for the band, it goes without saying that I love you all and it has been an honour to be able to jam and fool around and make wonderful music together in the name of our Lord. I have learnt so much being with you all and made friends that I wouldn't have made otherwise, forever grateful. :'D (cue planking handshake hahaha)

You guys, the service team, are so awesome, I am speechless. I feel like there's so much feeling that I cannot put it all into words right now. I LOVE YFC. :') You all inspire me everyday, in your own little ways, to be a better person. And I think, more than anything, working towards this praise concert was really God's way of affirming us - that we can do great things in His name and we should always strive for that best that we can offer to Him.

God bless, friends. <3
Tomorrow only marks the beginning.

Arrivals and Departures.

2011-11-22T00:04:00.000+08:00

It’s Harder To Be The One Who Leaves

NOV. 18, 2011 By GRACE YEOH (Thought Catalog)

It’s hard to be the one who stays, so says The Time Traveler’s Wife.

I empathize. I have pined for the unrequited, crawled on broken glass to fix a broken dream and lived a good portion of my teenage years willing a boy to change his mind and come back. There is nothing dignified about the quick fall or slow climb back up; being unable to accept reality nor displaying your battered heart on your sleeve. It is not romantic and hardly noble. It is embarrassing having to publicly piece yourself together, pick up your shame and if all else fails, grab the last cabin of a train and pray no one spots the swollen eyes. Worst of all, it is all degrees of tiring being kept awake by pure yearning and longing.

But it’s harder to be the one who leaves.

Because if your smart decision doesn’t work out the way you have played it out in your head a million and one times, you have no one to blame but yourself. No ‘but he hurt me’ to use as an excuse for lying in bed all day. No warped reassurance of knowing that you always have an outlet to assign all blame for your total misery anyway. You did this to yourself; made your bed to lie in – what’s your excuse?

No one mentions the heartbreakers because there is obviously a clear divide between the ones who break hearts and the ones who get broken. (Except it’s not so simple.) No one talks about how they lie awake in the middle of the night, questioning whether they made the right decision, finally falling asleep from mental exhaustion but with no answers, because no one thinks they have any right to complain. No one asks whether they’re fine, because why should they be anything but good? No one talks about the nonchalant face they have to put up (cue “All Hail The Heartbreaker”), pretending that breaking hearts and dreams is something that came easy. No one wonders whether it hurts as bad to walk away than to be left behind because no one believes it should be painful. At all.

I don’t condone trampling all over an unsuspecting heart and then leaving it for road kill. But in comparison to its counterpart, staying is easy. You cry, you dwell, you fall repeatedly, you eventually get up and get better. Leaving takes courage; it is a one-way ticket for a flight that leaves no room for Regrets or Second Guesses.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I may not agree with everything, but it makes sense I suppose.

Matches / Ashes.

2011-11-15T23:24:00.001+08:00

Burning Bridges, Jason Mraz.

Hate ~~that I love~~ you so.
That is all.

[/edit]

I am tired of you making me feel like shit.

Capacity.

2011-11-10T03:19:00.003+08:00

Once again I have been reminded that sometimes, others are in so much more pain than you are. We have a tendency to forget that. Of course, I do not mean to undermine anyone's suffering. I just think that, for many of us, (although no one would ever openly admit it) it takes watching someone else be sadder than us to realize how truly blessed we are. This is an irrevocably sad fact, and it makes me feel sort of sorry for us, human beings. Why must we 'thrive' on the unhappiness of another?

Having said that, I hope that in spite of this, it will help us put aside our own hurts for a while and utilize our capacity to help the ones we love, especially those who, in that moment, need a little more love than we do. Something, I, too, need to remember.

Brightly Wound.

2011-11-10T00:30:00.001+08:00

Often, I cannot be sure that what I'm typing is what I, as a person, would write. Because I realize I write differently at different times. Sometimes, I read something else just before I type here or I read something that makes me want to type here so I don't know, I guess that probably affects how I would put down my thoughts. Like c'mon, I don't even usually speak like this. Or maybe I do? I'm not sure.

Tonight, I think I'll be honest. For the most part, I just want to write about what happened today because I think today went by quite interestingly. And also, I do like Wednesdays for a number of reasons. 1) My lessons start at 2:30PM. 2) It is the day after Tuesday (i.e. the only day where I have tutorials and usually need to hand in/present something and that turns me into a nervous wreck) 3) I have Asian Film History class in the evening. When I type this fast, it's good, I think, because part of me is like "I'm not stopping to think about what I'm writing, so everything must be largely true." That's just my opinion in this moment. That opinion might not last very long. Usually, that is the case.

Last night, for some reason that is still unbeknownst to me, Unchained Melody was just playing in my head and impelled me to go search for it. Thus, the clip above featuring The Righteous Brothers version. I think it's a really nice song. And that led me to listen to other old songs that also pounced on me earlier this year - you might have seen me post them here - Elvis' Are You Lonesome Tonight and the Louis Armstrong-Ella Fitzgerald duet of Dream A Little Dream of Me. I'm glad I know some music from the time before I was born because sometimes, music like that is just what you need for the moment, you know?

This week is the last week of school. Then exams start on the 19th. Last lectures are extremely short. Yesterday, HS1003 ended 1 hour earlier. Today, HL8022 ended 2 hours earlier and FIL230 ended 45 minutes earlier. Aside from Asian Film History, I also like Wednesdays because Religion and Culture in The Modern World is always interesting. Nazry (our lecturer) bumped into us while Edson, Pranav and I were at Canteen A and then proceeded to have his meal with us. To a certain extent, I think it was a bit strange and he, himself, has proven to be rather eccentric, but not in a bad way. Anyway, lunch with 2 Sociology students and a lecturer who's studying for Ph.D in Theology - I guess you can predict what we talked about.

During Asian Film History, B Thiam was also especially idealistic and seemed to be in his own fluffy unearthly world where grades or deadlines didn't exist. I presume it is because it is officially the end of the module. What was really interesting to me that both he and Nazry basically said that the bell curve is a stupid concept. In a nutshell, B Thiam said it meant that there was a quota to fulfill for each letter grade, A, B, C etc. And as a teacher, he felt that wasn't the point to make all of his students 'A students'? Which I think was a really valid point.

Do not really know where I am going with this but I think it's cool to have teachers like that. Nazry even said he wants to break down the dichotomy of teacher and student. It's so lame (facepalm) but it's a nice (also slightly strange) thought. If ever I go into Broadcast & Cinema Studies, I hope I will see B Thiam again. And I will miss them. Didn't really say goodbye to Sulfikar. Too bad some more, coz' I think out of my electives teachers - he's the only one who knows my name and can connect name to face. Maybe next time, when I take another Sociology module.

Honestly can't wait for this semester to be over. I am terribly unprepared for exams and still slacking as much as ever but God has really been so kind :') I hope I manage to pull through this semester. And although admittedly, I think the system's quite strange since we chiong for one sem and it's totally useless the next sem, but at the same time, I like the thought of being able to start anew every 6 months. New people, new chances, learn totally new things - I guess that's what university is for. Ideally. Make the best and most of what we have, that's all there is to it.

Anyway, I also said this post will have some honesty. Not that I'm usually dishonest, I guess by 'honest' I actually mean 'talk-about-things-I-feel-that-I-usually-would-not-type-on-a-public-platform'. Because I think I'll talk about N today, or Z. Last week, I saw Ziying. Or rather, she saw me. When I turned and realized it was her, I was stunned. I was telling Celestine this and the first thing she said was, (if I remember correctly) "Oh shit." or at least something along that line. Just recently, I met a few people from my past and you know, they ask about the gang and everything. For those who know the story, more often than not, they don't understand why I had to do it. Glen said it was unnecessary and I should have just let us drift apart till there was nothingness but you know, at that time, I couldn't do that.

I guess I can see his point. It's not a new opinion, of course - I have heard it before. But I think since all this time has passed, I can see better and more clearly. Maybe because I can look at "what was" from a distance now. Perhaps not that great a distance since I still think about the gang, sometimes. (shrugs) But yes, there is definitely a distance. Yes, I do miss them. I have a lot of things that would remind of them so it's inevitable and sometimes I just get sad to know my relationships couldn't stand the test of time. (or distance)

Since we bumped into each other last week, there were a few times where I thought about asking Z out for lunch, since we're in the same school and all. I wondered what we would talk about. I wondered if it would be awkward. I think it was the first time I had seen her in ... has it already been close to 2 years? Omg. I wondered if maybe it wouldn't be awkward. I wondered if we could be like 'new' friends. I wondered if the moment really came, if we (not just Z, I mean H and N too) were willing to give each other another chance. Having said that, I've let G and S down too so ... I don't know where I stand there either.

I don't regret what I did, I think that was the way it had to happen. But I'd be lying too if I said I don't think about what would happen if I hadn't. Haha. I really do miss them. ... I said it again because it's true and I think that was basically the bottom line of all this. That's all.

Hard Boiled Wonderland and The End of The World

2011-11-04T02:59:00.003+08:00

Hands down, my favourite Murakami novel. I've got Book I and II of 1Q84, but have decided not to read it until Book III comes as well. Then, after exams as well. Which means I will most likely be bringing them back to the Philippines. Unless, I finish reading them in 4 days - which is actually quite possible. Everyone's wrapping up their tests and term assignments as they prepare for the exams that are coming in about 2 weeks, while I still have a whole bunch of assignments due in the near future. See how! I will persevere.

That aside, can't wait for the semester to be over just because I'm sick of studying. (well, the little that I've been doing anyway) And also excited to see if 1Q84 could possibly become my new favourite Murakami novel, the story line seems epic enough. Seriously, I love Murakami though. I don't even remember what made me borrow The Wind-up Bird Chronicle from the library that particular day and the rest is history. :D

The Eleventh Hour.

2011-11-01T23:36:00.005+08:00

Today, during Sociology lecture, Prof showed us this. I was 20 minutes late and didn't know what I was in for but it stirred a lot of feelings in me, which came as a surprise, really. How long those feelings will last or how far they will take me, I do not know. But I do recommend that everyone watch it. The documentary's up in parts on Youtube, if anyone's interested.

So I brought it up at dinner and told Papa that his company was the first and only company that was explicitly said (although other commercial logos were also featured) and I told him that he and Mama probably wouldn't be able to become great-grandparents. Nobody really got it, so to put it into perspective, I said that Nerissa (my sister) and I would never become grandmothers. Well, I thought I'd mention it because just a while before that dinner happened, I told my parents I was going to name my son, if I had one, Tobias. I guess what my point is in all this is, yes, I would like to see my children grow up and I would also like them to see their children grow up.

When it all boils down to it, even if we don't really give a shit about the environment, we should give a shit about it for the fact that the things we really love are a part of it. We're all a part of it, not above it. And I've had all these thoughts about how I'm going to raise my children, the values I want them to learn like how to behave in church or how to treat other people or how to watch what they want to use or buy and I just want to be able to live that life, you know. And I want them to have an opportunity to live their life, a life better and wiser than mine. (hopefully after I've taught them the correct things haha :p)

"I see a world in the future in which we understand that all life is related to us and we treat that life with great humility and respect. I see us as well as social creatures, and when I began to look back and say, 'What is the fundamental bottom line for us as social creatures?'... I couldn't believe it because it seemed so hippy dippy, but it was Love. Love is the force that makes us fully human."

David Suzuki, The 11th Hour

11-11-11. No, not yet.

2011-10-29T02:11:00.007+08:00

Been thinking about my birthday, which is in exactly two weeks from now. ... Oh wait, apparently not, since it is already Saturday. Turning 19 this year. It's such a 'meh' age, really. I used to just dismiss it, but now it's not so bad - I'm actually sort of looking forward to it! Don't know why I'm thinking about it already. Well, I was never the sort to forget my birthday. But then again, these past few years, I've always had a reason to remember my birthdays.

When I turned 16, it was during O Levels. I had no paper on that day, but since it was O's, every day that passed was carefully monitored. When I turned 17, the CJ band committee had to meet Bro Paul on that day to discuss the prospects of CJCSB. I remember joking around that my birthday luck would come in handy in getting a good deal out of Brother Paul haha. If I remember correctly, it did turn out to be a fruitful discussion. ;) In 2010, it was an uneventful 18th and also A Level Math Paper 1. I spread my birthday luck all around before the paper, but it turns out I wasn't so lucky myself. (B for H2 Math, but owells! Haha)

So ... 19, huh. Nothing special surrounding my birthday this year, no important events around that period, really. Unless 11-11-11 is counted as a major thing, which it apparently is, for many people. Haha, my head's a mess trying to imagine what it'll be like. But I feel, for lack of a better word, positive. :) I don't know. I think after your debut age (It's a big deal for most of us, k. To what extent ... Now, that's something else.) has passed without you doing anything, nothing really beats that. And from there, everything is just up up and away. My heart feels light and optimistic. Really! :D Haha, just felt like I had to put this down.

3000-4000 word film essay (that I have not started on :S) due by the end of today. Really should be writing it now. But I'm going to bed instead, goodnight. Haha. :)

The Non-Present.

2011-10-20T23:56:00.006+08:00

"It it one of those nights. Tonight being, perhaps, one of the murkier ones. The kind of nights where I have to put in extra effort to get over myself. To be brutally honest and at the same time, putting myself out there as a hypocrite, I haven’t had a prayer time since BIG camp was over. Nights like these must be hugely due to that. Don’t get me wrong, I still seek Him in many ways. It’s just that having a prayer time calls for discipline, something that I lack a lot.

This mood … It calls for a pity party in session, one that I will attend alone. And yet, not totally alone, because I carry around with me my ghosts. They’re in my invisible backpack all the time, you just can’t see. They’re particularly heavy tonight so I have to take them out and let them walk freely or else my back will ache. My heart will ache. My head will ache. I am already aching.

Let me mourn the loss of my walls, for later on tonight, I must build them up again before I can go out into the world. I am safe in the comfort of my room, in the comfort of my world, in the comfort of the family who will never forsake me. Out there, it’s full of scary things - people. The ones who disappoint me, the ones who make me feel inferior, the ones who crush me. And because my walls are down, I am not ready for them.

I will leave because you do not need me, because you are better than me, because you will be fine on your own, because I am unwanted. Is it not pathetic? This need to feel wanted, this need to feel liked. I am not like you. Because I am an awkward turtle / owl / duck / human and you are a butterfly, flitting from flower to flower. So pretty, to be chased, to be sought after. I wasn’t made for this.

I have been stripped of my repelling gear, the fighter is off shift right now - she has had enough. There is only me. Poor, weak, insecure me. The one who will wallow in this pool of negativity, the one who refuses to get up, the one who is vulnerable, the one who will not fight back. The hardest battles are the ones against yourself. Our greatest enemies are the monsters inside us.

Fret not, this is temporary. The fighter will be back tomorrow, complete with repelling equipment, with all her walls back up like they were never down. But for now, leave this other person alone. Let her be. Just please, let me be"

Jun 26, 2011

(via liketheweary)

Contrary to popular belief, I am merely quoting.

It is not one of those nights.

Could Be Better, But All's Well

2011-10-17T01:46:00.005+08:00

Most of the times, I wish school/course-mates would be a little kinder and maybe not make NTU such a lonely place. Who am I kidding, I wish that ALL THE TIME. But you know what, 9 weeks into the semester (more than halfway through, yes! :D) and I'm surviving, not crying myself to sleep over incessant ramblings in my head about how nobody likes me enough to be my friend, I can still bring myself to go to school etc. Sure, there's the occasional awkwardness, (who am I kidding, it's perpetually there) but I can carry small-talk conversations relatively fine.

Meh, what a terrible picture to paint of my school life. Forever alone is VERY appropriate here, haha. Don't know if I'll end up sounding really pathetic by the end of this short post, BUT my point is ... I'm here. I'm studying. And I've got to admit that, it could be better. A LOT better. But it's not too bad. Still hoping for better semesters ahead, but if this is what I've got to deal with, then of course I've gonna deal with it. That said, I am thankful for the few people I've made acquaintances with. :) We go on from here.

Open The Flood Gates Up

2011-09-15T16:49:00.002+08:00

"I wrote a song about rebirth. It's a theme in my life that keeps coming up and I hold this ideal near and dear to my heart. We all face different challenges and obstacles and it's up to us to decide how to approach them. I'd like to think I'm someone that has the capacity to be brave, but honestly, it's something I work really hard at. This song is about my most profound fears and was ultimately the tool that helped me move past them. Sometimes we have to brave the rain to get to the sun."

Sara Bareilles

Hakuna Matata

2011-09-13T01:35:00.004+08:00

Taking a break from everything that is Sociology because, boy, does it suck. It really does. AHHHH PRESENTATION TOMORROW, I AM FREAKING OUT D: Why am I here? Well, since I am here, you can expect some emotional bull yada yada yada. Well, just a single line. But where it's there on Twitter, all alone up there, for everyone to see, it just makes everything seem more dramatic. Everything is more dramatic with less words. So here I am, hiding it in this paragraph, so that it doesn't stand out, you know. "All anyone ever really wants is to feel loved." There, it's out, so hopefully it doesn't stick out like a sore thumb.

It's so sad that all the feelings I ever want to write about are unhappy negative ones. This blog turning into a giant abyss of darkness haha. Don't come here looking for a happy "Joan" or happy "Marie". She hardly drops by. Meh. Bleah. Finding everything I'm saying terribly distasteful recently. But then again, why am I placing unnecessary "pressure" on myself? Haiz. Wish I could trust myself. Wish I could trust myself with people. Wish I could trust people with me. All these wishes, whimsical whimsical me.

Maybe next time, I'll write "Why I want to be FOC Chair/Vice-chair". (I say "maybe" because i always say I'm gonna write about something and usually don't) Today, I was so inarticulate with my thoughts / feelings / passion, if it was the real interview, I probably wouldn't pick myself. :/ On a random note, I tumblr-ed a bit and I suddenly missed "A Disney Spectacular" we always used to play in Crescent after some Disney things appeared on my dash. And also because, Kuya big Pao can re-enact so many random scenes from all the Disney classics haha.

Lion King, TYFYT :)

More important things at hand.

Saw-see, here we go.

The Miserable Ones

2011-09-09T23:19:00.002+08:00

"And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to go, no one to turn to
Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say hello to"

Eponine, Les Misérables

The Things I No Longer Feel Anymore

2011-09-09T02:15:00.002+08:00

Inspired by Ryan O'Connel's version. Actually, not "things", just one thing, I suppose. Could be a bunch of things, but it all boils down to one thing, you'll see. Everything is "Meh." now, or "Oh.", or "Owells." or a mental shrug. No one ever asks me to do anything. Meh. Sometimes I don't speak to anybody in an entire day of school not because I don't want to but because there's nobody to speak to. Meh. I'm not really anyone's friend. (Oh c'mon, you know what I mean) Meh. No one actually cares enough to do something about whatever this - cue hand gestures - this, whatever I'm feeling. Meh. Nobody hates me, but nobody loves me either. Meh.

They say you help yourself before someone else can help you. I say that too. I say it a lot. But you know that sometimes, it's just hopeless. We lie, all the freaking time. O when will this cycle end? Excuse me, off to hop onto a boat to the island where the 'helpless' thrive. There, some will weep, some will mope, some will be angry, while others, they'll just be still. Ah what is the point in writing all of this down, really. I feel like those groups of people who blog about things they don't like and yet follow, so that they can write about it. (see gleesucks.com) No, not that it's a bad thing. They're funny and entertaining and speak truth. Me? I'm just not cool. This? This is not cool.

Told you (it's a general 'you', not an I'm-talking-about-a-specific-someone-but-I'm-trying-to-be-ambiguous 'you) I'm just like certain people, that I could go down that path. People don't believe me. They never do. Come on, make me a rung on that ladder. Have your insanity levels be relative to mine to see how over-the-edge you've gone. And then, wherever, whenever "Oh Joan's / Marie's like this again. Meh." No one's gonna give up on me. Because no one's ever tried, really.

Are you lonesome tonight?

Insecurities: The story of my life.

Nobody's really reading this. Meh.

Wise Words from My Friend, Illya

2011-09-07T03:49:00.005+08:00

"Just the fact that everything seems to be starting afresh excites me. I will be lying to you if I said that I’m not the slightest bit afraid. I may worry about whether or not I’ll be able to cope with everything, or what I’ll be doing with my life after these three years have past. But fear is fear. It can either hinder you from trying or fuel you to try even harder. I need to constantly remind myself that. I know for now, this is it. I’m gonna ~~try to~~ make it work. I want to do everything not because I have to but because I want to. I know it’s hard cos you’re not where you want to be now. But scrap that. I’m gonna rock the shit out of the school and partay after-school hours(=studybutatthesametimedomusicandprettymucheverythingelsethatilove). Yes, I’m gonna make this a pivotal point of my life.

& just in case, if I ever come to the point where I dread school(let’s hope not), please remind me of this post I’ve written today.

Cheers."

(via manhailyeah)

苹果

2011-09-06T01:11:00.003+08:00

Good evening, everyone.

Blogging from my new Macbook Pro and the delight (I wouldn't really call it that) is slowly creeping up on me, I suppose. 13-inch, 2.7GHz, i7 processor, 8GB RAM. I'm hoping this computer runs as smooth as a baby. And so far, I haven't been dissatisfied, I suppose. I also hope that I will not leave it to decay after I've used it for 1 or 2 years. Well, other than the fact that I am a complete Mac noob, it's not so bad. Ah first world problems, I should be shot for hinting at the slightest complaint for getting a new laptop. Yes, I should.

Contrary to my family's opinion, no, I did not beg and plead for this. I am only holding a Mac right now due to my father's uncontrollable tech whore urges, I kid you not. You should have seen the gleam in his eyes as he reopened the box at home, impressed by the foam lining the cover of the box (yes, even that) and the way he was hugging the Macbook in its plastic bag. (it wouldn't fit into the box after it was fitted with the hardcase) According to my sister, he looked like a little kid. I foresee my house turning into an Apple household soon enough. I am not sure if that's a bad thing.

So now, I really should be reading up on neoliberalism (WHAT THE HELL IS NEOLIBERALISM) and labour and trade because I have the Soc (don't understand why people prefer to call it soci "saw-see") lecture and tutorial tomorrow and I have yet to go through the readings. Perhaps I will be left with nothing to say again, as I was today during lecture when I was asked for my opinion on any of the candidates of the recent Presidential Elections. Oh, and not forgetting, my presentation on Women and Family is next week.

Tomorrow, I shall also retell an Aesop's Fable to my Speech and Argumentation class. I haven't picked the fable yet, although I have narrowed it down to eight. The "aiya heck, think about it tomorrow/later and wing it" mindset is predominant in my head. I suppose I will give in to it. Hopefully I will not be humiliated. My tutor is Australian, just thought I'd point that out. I'm not clear on the stereotypes about Australians, but I'm sure there are.

Been relatively quiet in school. I wonder if people would recognise me and still think I was the same person they know. I also wonder why people don't introduce their friends to each other. Like stopping to talk to someone while you're with someone else and going "Oh hey XX, hi. This is my friend, ZZ. ZZ, meet XX. ... yada yada yada." So maybe people don't think it's a natural thing to do, it always was for me though. In fact, it's a regulative rule for me. I used to do it all the time. Well now, I don't really know anyone so I can't do it anymore. And the few people I know don't really do it for me, so what am I left with? Oh wells. We survive.

Why I Like Pink

2011-08-25T18:55:00.004+08:00

Wanted to tweet thoughts, but then I thought "Oh wth, might as well just post something on the blog." Sometimes, the relatively much longer time it takes to blog something rather than to tweet something becomes such a disincentive to me. But at the same time, I am not the concise few-words type of person. On the contrary, I was told once, a long time ago that I am verbose. And that, was told to me by a person I hadn't known for very long. I think that statement still stands today - unlike so many other things, which have come and gone away. I like how that rhymed. :)

It's funny how I can sort of (yes, sort of only) play guitar now. I wish I could be better. I wish I wasn't an amateur. I wish I could call myself a musician. Ah blah blah blah insecurities here there everywhere - how boring. That aside, the title's what it is because I wanted to tweet something like "I've come to the conclusion that I like Pink." Well, now that I've typed it out, how terribly unnecessary that seems - like so many other things. (Was waiting for a rhyme to follow that thought, but it didn't so - too bad) And unlike what the title suggests, I'm actually not here to list down the reasons why I came to the conclusion that I like Pink. Just here to announce it. There, I just turned a single tweet into an entire paragraph (+ one not-so-related one)

School's okay, I suppose. Everyone's mugging and I'm just like, "What the ... Mug what? Study what?" I handed in my first real piece of homework a day before the deadline :D I actually think some answers could have been phrased better - except I couldn't think of those better ways to phrase them so I left them as they were. It was about the Japanese film industry in the 1930s, pre-war, post-war etc. Hoping to get 3 points out of 3 points, although that is unlikely.

And today, I didn't go to school. That's the second time this week. Like I've told myself many times, "I am a sorry excuse for an undergrad." It's not like I don't know the bar has been raised way up high in university. I do, I'm just not motivated enough to follow it up. What's wrong with being down here, honestly? Ah who am I kidding - people who agree are few and far between. Or, there are many who feel the same way but don't feel the need to do anything about it. I fall in that category. People like us don't count. We're shadows and only shells of people.

Plee-eease don't leave me.
Wish I could write.
Wish I had a job.

Pulau NTU.

2011-08-21T01:31:00.007+08:00

So ... Hello, stranger.

Been quite some time since I last blogged (i.e. a post of a decent length) and when I last posted anything, it wasn't really something that I should have written. *cough*angst*cough* School has started. And the STARS Wars (some short form for our fastest-fingers-first system to get our modules) are about to come to an end, so I've more or less got my time-table settled. No classes on Fridays so let's say hey hi hello to long weekends for an entire semester :D Yea babeh.

School's ok, I suppose. I was foreveralone for a while and now I still feel foreveralone even though I am usually with people now. It isn't really a good feeling to not really know anyone when everyone already knows each other but I am dealing with it much better than I thought I would so all's well. I wish for a lot of things, that it could be this way or that but for now, I'm surviving. WKW students are exclusive as they say, or maybe all students are. (shrugs)

You want to approach people to make friends but at the same time you know that there'll be some who'll be thinking, "Why the hell is this girl talking to me?" And the few acquaintances I've made, I'm afraid to be a 'burden' to them since I'd probably be following them around. Or rather, I'm already a burden to them. See my dilemma? I'd probably survive as a loner if I have to, but nah, I wouldn't want that. As much as I like to think I'm socially awkward, I'm a people person. (still very socially awkward though, thus the dilemma right)

That aside, I managed to get classes that I wanted (yay :D) but it's really intimidating because they're also essay writing modules - Asian Film History, Social Problems In A Global Context, Religion and Culture in The Modern World. In the first 4 days of STARS, I didn't have enough modules and couldn't get the ones I wanted but praise God coz' I got them in the end. :) I haven't written anything lengthy in a long time, neither have I kept up with the news (just isn't something habitual for me) or used my brain to form coherent academic thoughts. Heck, I still have to learn how to copy notes faster.

Uni life is not a joke, no time to play around. 'Competition' just gets tougher as you work your way up. And although technically there isn't any stress from being overworked or anything since it's still only the 3rd week, there's that pressure you place on yourself that comes from within. I really want to do well this sem, for a lot of reasons. The ultimate reason being that I need to show my parents (and myself, actually) that I can do this - serving in YFC and coping with my studies. And not just coping, coping well.

Life as of now. No 'external' drama so all's good.
Blah I must be boring you.

Random Angst Post #32984793803204

2011-08-11T03:44:00.007+08:00

~~Needed~~ Intensely wanted this down somewhere

FUCK. I HATE EVERYONE.

I know it's wrong and I shouldn't have given in.
But this is how it is tonight, ok.

In Hysterics. (Fair Warning)

2011-07-29T01:00:00.008+08:00

When will I ever be able to iron out the kinks in this working relationship? Wait, scratch that. It's not the working relationship, is it? It's ironing out the kinks in the bloody relationship itself. This 'friendship' that we have? Can I even call it that? Are we still even friends? Do you even treat me as a friend? As much as I admit that I'm not that great a friend myself, you ... You take the cake. I'm tired of hearing people defend you. I'm tired of defending you against myself. That's why I can't work with you.

Hanging by a thread. I'm hanging by a thread. And you? Who the hell cares, right? You, definitely, don't. You don't feel the need to ever do anything. And I want to tell you all of this, in our face, but it's in the moment. Sometimes people ask me "what's wrong?" because they know something's up but I can never find the words. When it's in the moment, I don't want to talk about it. When the moment's passed, I can't talk about it because the intensity of whatever words I can muster could never give justice to the feeling in that moment.

I'm just tired, ok. I'm tired of being reminded every few days of why this hurts so much because one day, I'm 'ok' and then the next day I'm in tears. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS HARD D: I know a lot of it is me making it hard for myself but COULDN'T YOU MAKE IT ANY EASIER FOR ME :'( So what if that's just the way you are? Have you ever thought that I'm this way and maybe, just maybe, this time, you're the one who's supposed to give in because I'm trying my hardest but I can't, ok. I CAN'T.

And everyday, I'm fighting against this feeling and I'm just afraid that one day I'll give in. That's my greatest fear, ok, that one day I might just drop everything and go and because that would mean that I have given up on everything I ever believed in, that I have turned my back on the principles that I have held on to for so long, that I'm putting myself in for a lifetime of regret and "what if"(s). And it hurts all the more so because I know that most of the fault is mine. Do you know how hard it is for a person like me to know that and not have an action plan to solve it? To know that THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO SOLVE THIS? Do you know? Do you even care at all?

You are not worth ANY of this.

Guess Who's Back?

2011-07-27T20:09:00.005+08:00

Hello there. Am I back for good?

Well, at least for now, I can say I am. Tumblr's not all that good for my state of mind, it seems. Maybe it's the Hipster feel there, it seems to put me in some sort of self-piteous stupor that leaves me in a never-ending cycle of sadness and ache and insecurity. So, I'm assuming I'm better off here at Blogger. Isn't it refreshing to blog about happenings instead of just feelings feelings feelings that are cryptic (albeit meant to be obvious) for once?

Wrapped up in my comforter on my bed and I don't ever feel like leaving this bed. Haiz, the sort of things the monthly period does to a girl. I threw up twice, once yesterday night and once this morning. The second time, I think I was just throwing up stomach acid and bile since my stomach was already almost empty from throwing up the first time. It sucks to know that I have to live with this for the rest of my female pre-menopause life. :'(

For someone who'd probably not see this: I'd be lying if I said I was completely indifferent about you, Nicole. It definitely still takes some effort on my part. I was just wondering if you kept what I gave you for your 17th birthday and whether you still look at it from time to time. But in spite of feelings like that, I'm happy. We can't really say we're happier because there isn't anything to compare to, is there? We will never really know. I'm happy and I believe you're happy too, so let's leave it at that. :)

In other news, we have moved house. This is how the conversation usually goes. "I'm moving." / "To where?" / "Still in Jurong West la." / "-.- Then move for what?" Every single time. It was one heck of a weekend, moving everything but I'm warming up to the new place and although my room is a lot smaller than it used to be, (decided to be magnanimous and give the bigger room to my brothers this time) there isn't really much to complain about. We're slowly settling in and I can't wait to have house blessing and house warming :D Hahaha.

School also starts next week. And just an update, I'm going to NTU WKWSCI. It just goes to show that it's really a mistake to assume because I assumed that my appeal was rejected since I still hadn't had a change of course and it was already mid-July. So when a letter from NTU came, I was expecting it to be a rejection letter and lo and behold! "Your appeal to Communication Studies was successful" Gave me a shock and to be honest, I can't really say it was completely pleasant but that's where I am now, and I guess that's where I'm supposed to be.

It sucked a bit because at that point, I was just getting especially hyped up about taking Psychology and possible career paths in the future and then ... -.- Haha. God truly makes life interesting, doesn't he? :D So in the next week or so, I'm going to have to pick my electives and THIS IS A MAJOR PAIN IN THE BUTT I'm telling you because the whole system is so confusing to me that I'm just like UGH DON'T WANT TO GO UNI ANYMORE. I kid :p Just praying to God for the gift of discernment and trust in whatever plans He has in store for me.

Can't believe 8 months passed by just like that. I remember having so many plans for myself for the post A's holidays, wanting to learn so many things and doing all kinds of stuff. I can't say that it was the most productive holiday ever, but I can't say I didn't enjoy it. Haha :) So many changes in my life. Moving house, becoming chapter head, going to college - I guess it's time for me to change with it, to change for the better. Bring it on, life. Bring it.

These Are Hard Times;

2011-07-26T03:08:00.014+08:00

Hello to two very important people in my life, I don't think you'll ever read this. No one really comes here anymore. Even, I, myself, haven't been here in a while. I just want to say that your friendship has always inspired me and that it has often times made me jealous, but only because it is worth getting jealous over. And it still inspires me now. You're both lovely people and I wish the 3 of us could have a photo together someday. It doesn't have to be soon. Maybe in the next year or the year after that. I'm counting on the fact that we're still friends. :)

Even more than that, I hope you 2 have a photo together, just the two of you. I thank God for giving me this year, for giving me the chance to really know you both. And I wrote this because it seems you two are having a hard time tonight (we all have them, I know) and I should probably send you both a text but I'm hoping you'll both find this post on your own and also because this time is sacred. Not for me, not for anyone else to butt in, but for you two. I'm no good with words. That shall be all for now. I love you, Carissa. I love you, Alexis. I love you both, very very much. You two are always in my prayers.

Happiness in Mi-i-i-i-i-i-sery.

2011-02-10T01:36:00.005+08:00

I started work yesterday.

And I seem to have entered a sticky situation already, which I might elaborate on (albeit vaguely - sorry tis' necessary) later. It has been tiring so far and damn, the standing is Hell. But the working environment is quite good. For one thing, I'm surrounded by books. When I come early in the mornings, (well, it's only been two days so ...) I just look around looking for books that I will buy when my pay comes around.

The pay is measly, but I don't mind it so much. I did at first, but not anymore. The standing is to be damned, (10 HOURS STRAIGHT OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME NO I AM NOT) but maybe it's my first time that's why it seems like such a big deal. Apparently, standing for extensive periods is part of most jobs. And being the noob that I am, (FIRST JOB EVER) this standing thing seems like a big deal, even though it's not.

Everything is sort of chillax there, even the briefings are like ... WHAT LEPAK ONLY. The working relationships are very casual, except with the Operations Manager and higher up because they're/he's scary. But other than that, we can joke around and make fun and holler across the bookstore if we want to. Almost all the staff can converse in Malay. I have no idea why, even the Chinese people can. National language of Singapore: Malay - so maybe that's why.

I have decided not to elaborate on the situation anyway since I was trying to figure out a way to put it vaguely, but I couldn't. I just feel uncomfortable and annoyed that it had to happen and I hope the problem packs up and flies away very very soon. Or, I could always just use my senses and run away every time. That will be the plan for now and I will leave it at that.

Meanwhile, I am still getting pocket money from my parents and they are still the ones who I ask for cash from when I need to top up my card. (DAMN YOU, ADULT FARE) Speaking of which, was with Xing Hao the other day and when we were boarding the bus, he said "Listen (bolded because he emphasised it) to the sound of my card" If you are reading this, YOUR TIME WILL COME I'M TELLING YOU. So anyway, I'm basically still pretty much useless and dependent on my parents.

And since we are on the topic of parents, I had a major fight with my father last Friday. I have "battle scars" to prove it. One baluku on the left side of my head, one bruise just above my right eye brow, two small wounds on my right hand. ... Just realised that I sound like I'm proud of it. And although I admittedly sound like a douche / am a douche, (i.e. bitch daughter) I felt really guilty. I have not apologised till this day. But we are now interacting, way better than the day after it happened. It's a bad thing (I think?) that Papa and I just brush past these BIG things without apologies and it's like they never happened.

How dramatic is my family, we could make a television drama like Channel 5's Growing Up. Well, we're not THAT dramatic, of course. I'm sure this is normal, right. There's bound to be friction when you're always together. That said, because I am, in many many ways, a chip off the old man's shoulder, I am who I am mostly due to him. Being stubborn, frank, fighting back when feeling indignant, (THIS IS THE MAIN REASON GUYS) lacking anger management (It's a lot better now, seriously. There were some horrible things I did last time, or at least threatened to do) ... It's really all from him. But like Mama and all my siblings are telling me, he is getting older and he is my father and I should be the one to give way.

I get sad when I think of the reasons WHY we have to give way. Cannot imagine a time when my father will be too old / weak / sick to quarrel / fight / argue with me anymore :'( Hope my Daddy stays healthy forever, but obviously, that cannot be the case. I honestly cannot imagine life without my parents. Every time I try to picture my future self, my parents are always in the picture. When the time comes, I will take it very very very hard, I'm sure. ... AIYA SHIT WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS CHOY CHOY CHOY! I love my father very much, I just don't/can't/won't say it to his face.

OKAY ALL THIS SENTIMENTAL FAMILY STUFF ASIDE, been intending to write a post for some time, about being so cynical at such a young age, or maybe being just cynical in general. I know something will urge me to make it a must to write it because the subject matter is everywhere and extremely rampant, unfortunately. Depends depends! It is on hold for now. In other news, A Level results in about a month. Excited, expectant, terrified and more all rolled into everyone. We'll see how then.

0203.

5 Days.

2011-01-25T01:01:00.004+08:00

It is 1AM right now and I am exhausted.

It's been a while since I've properly blogged about anything at all, actually. Let's see how this post turns out, shall we? My grandmother passed away last Monday and so the whole family made it down to our beloved homeland last week. The past 4/5 days in Philippines was definitely more eventful than the month I spent there last year and although the circumstances were far from ideal, I had fun. And it sounds so bad to say that, considering the circumstances under which the Lavalle (mother's) side were all brought together, but it is true. And I know that was the case for all of us. :)

The question "Were you close to your grandmother?" was posed to me a number of times whilst I was doing the informing to the people that needed informing and I couldn't say yes. But when the time came, I can only say that I should have prepared more tissue. It's family, after all. And it was only yesterday night, actually, that it really hit me that I missed Lola. At the end of the day, close or not close, it hurts. Or perhaps, I'm just one big puddle of mush inside. Oh yes, I cry so damn easily. A lot lot more than I would like to.

Lots of pictures are/will be on Facebook, if you want to check it out. On my side, I am in charge of uploading photos since I am slacking at home whilst tomorrow morning, my brothers and my sister will have to go back to the bore that is work/school. That said, I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GET A JOB. But I need to have some of my own money at hand. And so ... Yes, the circumstances call for it. Apparently, someone called for me yesterday but I don't know who or where he's from so whatever, just wait and see.

Just so I have this on record, the sleeping cycle is horrible. On the first night we arrived, (Thursday) we went to Starbucks with our cousins, went back to the funeral home, made a whole lot of noise playing silly games, (Mafia, Murderer, Category) went home to catch some sleep from 8AM to 4PM. Then that night, (Friday) we hung around the funeral home, I watched The Social Network, we went back home to change and then went back to the funeral home for the mass followed by the burial. By the time the burial was over, it was 11AM on Saturday and I had just gone 19 hours without sleep, which really wasn't too bad. I honestly felt like I was going to dose off right there and then during the mass though.

Then we went back to Lola's house and ate and talked and then we played the Circle of Death which included 2 bottles of The Bar, (wtf 75 pesos which is freakin' ass cheap) Sprite, Royal and San Mig Light. Before that, some of the guys had already drunk enough beer (Kuya Marwin included) so yes, there were definitely some red faces going on. I, on the other hand, was perfectly fine. We ran out of alcohol so we stopped. Besides, people were sort of 'dying' (Niko, Ate Jul, Ate Gem) already. That was 4PM. 24 hours without sleep, and slightly intoxicated. Talked for a bit and I couldn't take it, so I tried to sleep, but I could only do so for 15 minutes before we had to go back to our own house. And also because, there was random outbursts from my cousin who is very often bullied haha.

We (my drunk eldest brother needed to desperately) slept for a bit from 5PM to 8PM before we had to get up, eat dinner and go and sing at some KTV place. Needless to say, I sang. A lot. :D Kuya just ended up sleeping at one side the whole time. About 20 of us went, with my eldest cousin (31 y/0) as the chaperone. But it was so expensive: 6,600 pesos (including food/drinks) for 3 hours. There was Red Horse anyway, so whatever, we just drank as well. 2AM and we went off in search of Starbucks. That was 34 hours awake on 3 hours of in between sleep. Okay, it doesn't seem like much now but I was struggling just a teeny bit. During this time, Kuya Marwin was puking all over the place. So much for being the eldest one out of the 4 of us haha. (Okay, no, I'm really just kidding. He is awesome. :D) We finally get to Starbucks, drink some coffee, go back home to Caloocan (Lola's house) where there is no space to sleep so we end up having to fight the sleepiness.

I couldn't take it anymore. It was 4AM by that time so I just squeezed in between Mama and my other cousin and slept all the way till 1PM. Then we had lunch, went back home to Sampaloc (our house) to bathe and change. And went to MoA (SM Mall of Asia) where I had a facial and a manicure (C'mon, it's cheap hahahaha) and then we had dinner at Seaside (some place full of seafood restaurants) and karaoke-d somemore. By the time we left, it was 11+ PM and it was time to bid goodbye to everybody. It was pretty sad. :/ Hugs and kisses for everyone and we went back home, we (us siblings) talked a bit about our cousins, Lola and other things for a bit then we went to sleep. (And as you can see, I am getting kind of lazy)

So, it's been a very short trip. And this has been a rather long post. Lola's last words before she slipped into a coma and they decided to cut off life support was reminding my uncles and aunties not to fight amongst themselves and to take care of each other. It's funny because that was what our parents were telling us also today before we separated and us siblings went on our first ever plane ride just the 4 of us together. I'm glad I went back, even though I didn't want to at first. We (extended family) haven't been together in the longest time and it was great. RIP Lola, send my greetings to Lolo, Tita Elsa and Tita Gina. We love you all. ♥

And this is random but my temperature is currently 37.4 degrees Celsius. I checked because I thought I might have a fever. Turns out I don't. And now that I'm back, the plan is to get a job, catch up on 25 days of K Pop (omg hope I survive) and ... Anything and everything. I'll be up for whatever comes along. When I get up tomorrow morning, I have to make a few calls, practise my pieces and upload photos, maybe. So tired, but I am skype-ing (first time!). Will go to sleep eventually. Thank you for reading, if you made it all the way to here. Good night/morning/afternoon, whatever time it is for you. :)

(N.B. Will add photos to this post when they're ready, which will hopefully be soon.)

0143.

Those Many Many Nights.

2011-01-18T00:37:00.002+08:00

0042.

None Shall Sleep.

2011-01-11T13:17:00.003+08:00

Nessun Dorma, Luciano Pavarotti.

1319.

2011.

2011-01-03T10:36:00.003+08:00

Remember that meme? I'm not completing it anymore. Too tiresome. I am not surprised at all by my lack of perseverance. Or rather, my laziness.

The new year has, so far, been an eventful one. Amongst other things, a firework exploded in our faces (on the ground) and we had to literally run for our lives. That left me traumatised for quite some time. We also almost got struck by a firework which went down the road instead of up into the sky. It eventually bulls-eyed our next door neighbour. (Poor kid.) Add to that, forgetting the keys to our own house which meant we had to go all the way back to Marikina from Sampaloc and then ... Drama. A lot of it. Mostly due to me. :/ (not proud of it at all) But the family made up the next day (or more like, act like it didn't happen) so all's well.

I foresee myself slacking for at least a week before I even try looking for a job. Stay at home, get my K Pop fix, find some new music interests, (it's about time) read those books I bought, visit CGSSB, visit CJCSB, nua with friends etc. I almost forgot that I'm up for relief teaching, that I might receive a notification anytime that I have to be where at what time to do what. Not really looking forward to it anymore, hoping to God that I'll be able to teach well. I wasn't really what I would call good in Cambodia, so hope everything turns out okay and that my students won't think I'm stupid or something.

Haven't eaten breakfast.

Will now enjoy my 2nd last morning of pandesal.

1053.

Meme 2010 Reflection Challenge: Day 2 & 3

2010-12-31T13:44:00.000+08:00

2010 Reflection Challenge
Day 2: Relationship(s).

Ah, last day of 2010 and this is what I have to reflect about. I was sort of dreading this one already even before I started this meme. I'm sure that already gives a hint on what relationships have been like for the year 2010. For the most part, more than anything, relationships have changed me. A lot of them for worse, then revelation, then for the better. Regardless of all the sad memories of people come and gone, here but never really here or were never there at all, it's been an eventful and meaningful year, relationships-wise. We learn and grow and I am thankful for all that has happened. I just hope next year will bring better news.

2010 Reflection Challenge
Day 3: The best day.

I'm sorry, but I can't really remember or can't be bothered to thoroughly sift through all my days this past year and figure out which day was best. I've had relatively good ones, but can I just leave it as that? So playing cheat right now, but whatever haha.

1344.

Meme 2010 Reflection Challenge: Day 1

2010-12-29T23:39:00.002+08:00

2010 Reflection Challenge

Day 1: A few things you will never forget in 2010.

Taking the A Levels

Now when I think about the exams itself, it seems so distant. I can't think of anything else but the upcoming results. The two weeks sort of came and went in a blur and though the details are unclear now, it was a big ordeal and I'm unlikely to ever forget it.

Con Fuoco VII (Prep included)

Everything about band from January till it ended. From feeling so psyched out and being such a shit committee member to the crying in classes, the crying in between classes, the crying out of classes, the crying at home, the crying together. I remember a lot of crying, in general. And feeling like shit, yes. Then when it was all gone, I couldn't really say life was much better either.

Failing mid-years (Drama with teacher included)

Admittedly, the failing is completely and utterly my fault. But for the rest of the things, I don't know. Just a lot of angst, anger, profanity and being consumed by rage and pride. Regardless, I stand by whatever I did.

All I can think of for now.

I don't really want to think anymore.

2355.

Meme 2010 Reflection Challenge:

2010-12-29T23:33:00.003+08:00

2010 Reflection Challenge

Day 1: A few things you will never forget in 2010.
Day 2: Relationship(s).
Day 3: The best day.
Day 4: The worst day.
Day 5: The most memorable moment.
Day 6: Your best friend(s).
Day 7: Your birthday.
Day 8: The funnest getaway.
Day 9: The end of last school year/the beginning of this one.
Day 10: New Year resolutions.

(via mistikos)

It's a bit late. There aren't enough days of 2010 left. Not 10 days, only 2. But what's the difference, really, we always forget it's the new year when we write dates. We need to adjust. It seemed like a meaningful thing anyway, hope I complete it. Reflection reflection.

2337.

Blink. Blink.

2010-12-29T14:56:00.004+08:00

It's so weird seeing websites in Tagalog. Google's in Tagalog. Blogger's in Tagalog. Weird, coz' I don't understand mostly everything. Papa got his clearance for his heart, so that's the green light for his operation. Looks like my stay is extended. By how long, I'm not really sure, but I did tell him 2 weeks max. That aside, Merry Christmas! The Christmas weekend came and left and 2011 is only a few days away. Isabela was the way it was always going to be. I spent the reunion playing with kids and eating ice-cream, it went by so fast. Before I knew it, it was already the end. I was so out of it, perhaps the venue really was too big. Owells. 230 something people though, hell yes!

My sister, on the other hand, just spent the entire day in the van, sleeping her fever away. As it turns out, she had some stomach infection due to eating some dish that was intentionally half-cooked. I guess her stomach just wasn't used to that kind of thing. Evening was mega dish-washing with my cousins which was lots of fun. :D Karaoke-d and ate and talked and laughed our Christmas Eve away, being Filipino and all and now we're back in Manila. Don't really have plans. I'm personally just taking it day by day. The other day, the thought of A's results caught up with me and the fear just struck me again like it did before. Like wtf am I going to do if I can't make it man. I'm calmed down now, but it's going to happen again, I know it. Shall try not to think about it.

So sleepy sighs.

To the dentist in 25 minutes.

1505.

Serendipity.

2010-12-23T09:51:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, I bought 8 books and spent about $100 on them. Shopping for books in Philippines is a dream, everything's cheaper by like at least $5. It depends, really. At first I couldn't find Haruki Murakami then I was sort of bummed out, but I found him and literally shrieked in delight. My sister was like, "Did you really have to have such a reaction?" My brother reckons they'll last me until I have to enter university (oh please please please, hoping hoping hoping) but he underestimates me haha.

I chanced upon my sec 1 band shirt amongst the clothes that my Mom was about to give away. Thank God I got to it before it was actually lost to me forever. I'm wearing it now and surprisingly, rather than making me think of the past, I'm thinking about the future. Now I'm beginning to think that 8 months isn't that long after all, that it was never enough time in the first place. Next year, there's so many things to do and so many things to think about, excluding the obvious. First things first though, job.

Being sick is never fun. Triple threat, cold, cough and sore throat. Nerissa and Kuya Marwin caught it from me and I don't know who I caught it from. Can't sing for nuts, but we still party in the car anyway, belting our lungs out to the latest tunes a la Kuya Marwin's music taste. Don't know if I'll be okay by Sunday, (Chances are, I'm not. I always take forever to fully recover from this sort of thing. :/) but no way am I going to sing with a bloody sore throat in front of God knows how many people. Or perhaps I will, knowing my father.

We're going to Trinoma today, just the 4 of us siblings. Papa's going to the hospital for a check-up because he might get an eye operation. He said that if he should need to stay longer than planned, I'll be the one to stay with him. I didn't mind earlier when he said it but now that I think about it, I'm not like ... Elated. Or anything close to it at all, actually. But whatever, anything goes. We do what we have to do.

2 days to Christmas.

1047.

Forever.

2010-12-17T15:06:00.005+08:00

I am currently waiting for my uncombed hair to dry, Misfits to finish downloading and for my Dad to decide that it's time to go to Angeles. All this time waiting, sighs. Waiting for March. Waiting for August. Waiting for ... Perhaps, November? I hope to God not. I can't get that out of my head, you know, the possibility that I might be retaking retaking retaking. It's so scary, but it seems so real and I don't what this is. Fear or anxiety or excitement or what, but just a whole truckload of mess. So much for 8 months of party-ing, huh? When will we ever be genuinely free? Idealistic as I am (deep deep deep inside) ... Ah, I really don't know. :/

I have just made up my mind to actually use the DSLR. We've spent close to a week here in Philippines now and not a single good photo has been taken. (Kuya Edmar, come quick!) Might as well put it to use or else lugging the heavy damned thing would have been in vain. I do know that my sister wants to take a picture of life here. Slums, Lechon displayed in store windows, "Bawal mag basura dito" sprayed on walls, kids on the streets, families under bridges, rice fields, tricycles, that sort of thing.

There are times when I think I could actually get used to living here, but I think again and then, no, I don't think so. Crossing the road could still give me a heart attack. Heck, even crossing a road in Singapore could give me a heart attack. (Ask some of my friends, they know.) And if you're afraid of mice/cockroaches/spiders/insects of any sort/dirt and the like, you probably won't survive at my house. Thank God I'm not, would probably be spending my days cowering in fear on top of furniture.

My brother touches down in Clark in about 4 hours. Thinking about how long it's been since my whole family was here together, 4/5 years? It's been a long time and we're all grown up now. I want to do something special, like go to Enchanted Kingdom (Yes, even though I'm bloody afraid of heights) or something but I don't think there'll be time. Not sure what I'll be going back to when we go back on Jan 4. And suddenly, I remember the subtle changes I grew to comprehend and learned to adjust to when I came back. 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010. Wonder what it'll be this time around. We'll just have to wait.

1534.

Isang Araw Ng Disyembre,

2010-12-16T14:04:00.005+08:00

Wonder how many people will understand me if I blog in Tagalog. I'm a failure at it anyway. I was looking through the Filipino textbook of my 7 year old nephew (Christian) and was completely inept at it. Hey, at least I can speak, okay. Many Pinoys my age who've lived overseas their whole lives can't even speak the language. Speaking of which, my other extremely obnoxious and pretentious 6 year old nephew (Ryan) won't stop speaking English. The funny part is, he thinks he's better than me. My sister has the tendency to want to smack the shit out of him, but I remind her that she must be the bigger person since he is just a kid and she is also his aunt.

All my cousins suddenly have children. Or rather, I have suddenly come to know of their children. It's like an influx of children. And as I type, there is also my 1 year old niece (LJ) crying behind me. Yes, all these names and more. Lots more. For the reunion of my grandmother's siblings and their families, from my grandmother alone and all those that came after her (i.e. my extended family on my father's side), there is an estimated 62 people. Considering I have 4 other granduncles/aunts ... Yeah, do the Math. Brandan says we must be like the mafia or something. If that were true, my father would be king. His power is ever present, but he is getting old. I do not want to, in any way, inherit his power. The whole reunion thing is so cumbersome anyway, because this year we're the organizers and our fields our ruined because of the recent heavy rain and blah blah blah.

Kuya Marwin flies in from Cebu tomorrow. When we're asked what he's doing there, Papa jokingly (or not) says that he's going for girls. Ah yes, my brother's that kind of guy, or at least he likes to give the impression that he is. (I don't think he reads my blog anymore so I think I can say that haha) And Mama's arriving on Saturday, can't wait for all of us to be together. We're going to blast music in the car and have a partay-partay road trip to Isabela. :D

And since I'm here, have a taste of some holiday spirit from the country that sings for everything and anything, whatever the occasion. (Devastating disasters included) :)

1441.

Dream A Little Dream Of Me.

2010-12-11T07:24:00.003+08:00

I'm leaving today.

So many things to be done here in Singapore and I haven't done any of them, like keeping my old handphone or returning my library books or packing or paying for something I ordered online or making mixes and putting them into CDs or even just putting more proper stuff into my iPhone or perhaps sorting things out with you blah blah blah stuff like that. It's sort of surreal that I'm going back already which means today's my last day in Singapore for the year 2010. Goodbye now, because there's so many words for some people but I cannot bear the weight of having them said out loud and materialising and having a nonchalant reply to them. Or even worse, having no reply at all. I think part of me is hoping that when I come back, there'll be something different, that's all.

0734.

Hours.

2010-12-08T12:42:00.005+08:00

It is 1:58AM.

I hate all the negativity that you have harboured in me. That theory that nothing is original?

"Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is nonexistent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery. celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from – it’s where you take them to."

It's true. We're all feeding off each other's energies that was also from someone else and that from another and that from yet another and tweaking it into our own, sometimes skewed, versions. It is always the times when I have already felt and thought what I advised others not to do then I realise that I have become/have always been a hypocrite. I think of all the stuff I have said before and they are reminders of everything I stand for and everything I believe in.

I am reminded, but that cannot erase the fact that there was that moment where I was just as irrational or caught up in everything or whatever it is I believe not right. (I'm annoyingly self-righteous, I know.) And knowing that these moments cannot be stopped, that I will never realise them until they have already passed is something that I am grieved about but have accepted. For what else is there to do but accept?

Wondering if anyone truly matters at all to me. Anyone. Even Mama, Papa, you or you or you. It's getting lonely but I'm getting used to it. Ask me 1 2 years earlier and I might have collapsed in tears but there is no longer any reason or tendency or will to cry. That Jodi Picoult quote, I remember it well, (in spite of the fact that I have never read any of her books)

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."

From here, we go forth.

The time now is 12:50PM.

Hell Hath No Fury;

2010-12-06T12:45:00.006+08:00

It's been a while since I've been confrontational. Not that this is confrontational at all, hiding behind words and ambiguity, but it's been a while since I've been anything close to confrontational. Not that this is ambiguous also, because this is going to be as obvious as it can be and it is going to be plain as day when the person for whom it's intended reads it, which might not happen. But raging right now, so I can't really give a flying fuck.

And to think I was willing to give it a shot again with you because years aren't supposed to just disappear like that, because I like to think I still know you even without having to know the happenings in your life. I was contemplating it, replaying the scenario in my head, rolling and rolling words that could be said with my tongue. I foolishly thought it might be possible to heal it all, to fill all the crevices that formed and to perhaps go back to the way it once was. I knew it could never be the same, I just sometimes longed for the definite knowledge that both sides were making the effort, that one day we'd meet in the middle.

Fragile, fragile hope. It has now since shattered. I don't get why we're still pretending. I am. And so are you. Wondering if this even matters at all, wondering why I'm showing that this even matters to me. It's not like me to show weakness, but I always have anyway. I am weak, but so are you. I relish that fact. So we (to be more accurate, it was just me actually) couldn't stand the distance after all. And nobody ~~could~~ would (oh the difference a single letter makes!) stand by me. I am disappointed. In myself, for how delusional I have been and you, because you made me realise that there are some things that are irreparable. I was going to write a whole lot more furious angst-ridden shit but I can't really think right now, so fuck it, and the ferocity of my typing is not going to last any longer as my hands continuously shake. Just this, ~~guise~~ girls,

No one even fucking asks anymore.

Not once. Not anyone.

So don't just blame me
when you never even gave me a chance.

1220.

Ruin And Devastation;

2010-12-03T10:39:00.003+08:00

... That will be all.

1042.

Impact:

2010-11-30T09:58:00.006+08:00

When you don't need to study anymore, suddenly everyone's all over your back. No longer do they leave you alone so that you can 'study'. It's like everything that has been put aside comes reeling at your face all at once. It feels like that sometimes. Sighs, need to start getting used to this. Prom is in 3 days, guys. I don't really feel like going, too sian. And I have not prepared anything AT ALL. But I paid $100 so that means I must. Wing it, wing it. That's what I'm best at anyway.

On a side note, worst daughter award goes to me. As always. :/

1002.

[/edit]

It's just another one of those moments where you feel like your world is on the verge of crashing down. But the rest of them just keeps on and on and on. My natural tendency was to blame. You, me, anybody. But that's gone now.

1215.

My Father.

2010-11-27T08:11:00.005+08:00

Dear Dad, are we really having this conversation?

Papa: Ang ingay-ingay mo kahapon. (You were so noisy yesterday night)

Me: Ikaw rin :D (You too)

Papa: - in the yeah right tone - Ako rin. Ako halos isang bote ininom ko, ikaw a few baso ka lang yata. (Me? I drank almost one bottle last time. You? I bet you just drank a few shots/cups/whatever)

Me: - laughs - (In my head, I'm really just thinking "A few. Right.")

I am so amused that ~~we were~~ he was actually comparing how the amount of noise we make should be justified by the amount of alcohol we drink. What a ridiculous conversation for me to have with my father, but he's such a cutie. I love him. ♥

Well, not that both my parents know and we have acknowledged it explicitly ... Does that mean I'm not prohibited from drinking anymore? :) That said, the aftermath headache is no fun. I can still feel my heart pulsating throughout my entire body. Not cool. I won't be doing this again anytime soon.

0822.

[/edit]

MY FATHER IS SO CUTE PART 2.

This just in, guys. But so there's this health show on TFC (The Filipino Channel) called Salamat Dok, (Thank you, Doctor!) right, and it's Drugs Abuse/Addiction week or something. Then my Dad just nudges me at random moments and says, "Eh eh, you see." There was one part where they were talking about someone who used to be really good (I assume they mean, smart) and got hooked on drugs and basically his life went down the drain blah blah blah. So basically, I don't take drugs, Papa. This must be the effect of post-hangovers on parents. Papa's so cute, I can't even ... HAHAHAHAHA.

0921.

Hydroxyl Compounds.

2010-11-27T04:58:00.008+08:00

Good morning, world.

Fair warning: It is currently 4:58AM and I just woke up post-tipsy. (i.e. This post may be lots of rambling.) My eyes hurt a lot and my mouth's pretty dry, but other than that, I'm a lot more sane than I was at 11+ last night. Technically, I was perfectly sane last night, just had increased tendencies of yelling, not being able to walk straight and being high, in general. Almost forgot to add pronouns because of that stupid rule we had, haha. And other rules like no drinking with your left hand or only cursing with "Oh damn!" 'Twas a fun night. :D I started off the day feeling quite sian about it, but yes, I'm glad I went and I'll have to admit my T35 love.

My hands still sort of smell like garlic from the garlic I chopped yesterday while we were making Brian's potato dish, which turned out pretty well for some people. Not for me, unfortunately. I think it was the sardines. We had pasta and some bloody huge sausages too. That aside, I can feel my heart beating all the way down to my toes right now. It's like I'm suddenly conscious of everything. I didn't puke or do anything too stupid. I remember everything I did, so I mustn't have been that drunk. Drank more than I ever did before though.

I think I understand now how it feels like to take care of someone who's tipsy. When it's someone from your family, it's just hilarious. I remember that time my father came home drunk and said a whole lot of bullshit. We laughed at everything he said and my brother took care of him like a baby. He didn't remember a thing the next day, but his children remember. It's something we look back on fondly and still laugh about. Mama said I can't do it (go drinking) anymore. Not like she ever allowed it in the first place anyway, haha. Now she knows it's with my classmates, so perhaps she'll be more cautious now. I hope not. And I think Papa could tell when I reached home but just pretended not to know. Haha, my parents. My sister took care of me so ... ♥

So before that, I went back to school to visit the band and ... Ah, I don't know. There's always room for improvement, much much more. :( Really really hoping and praying with all my heart that they do well. Come on, guys, in true CJ spirit, you'll only ever create miracles on that very point. Con Fuoco wasn't one of those times. Argh, sad sad memories. But it's okay. Con Fuoco will always be important to me for so many reasons, in spite of the sub-standard music. Sitting in yesterday, everything's still sort of as how I remember it. But I haven't been gone long. 6 months? Time will pass and things will change, but I hope some things never will.

Wondering to myself now if this is what heart burn feels like because I feel like my heart's about to jump out of my chest. Well, even if it isn't, this is what I'm imagining it to feel like. Aftertaste of vodka and 7-up in my mouth too. Come to think of it, I must have looked like a bit of a wreck yesterday. But I swear I wasn't the only one, it's just that I was the only one who was walking around and shit so it was pretty obvious. Oh damn, never mind, letting loose once in a while. Like Teresa's current mantra, "A Levels over. Chill la."

It's going to be a long day ~~tomorrow~~ today. (I guess I'm still slightly disoriented.) Singing again after so long (I'm scared :S) and being with the people I haven't seen in ages. I wish there could be more moments be like this very one now: Comfortable. Slightly nostalgic. Still. Musical. Someday, I'll find the rawest form of motivation that will make me pursue this till the very end.

TYFYT

0604.

This, Too, Shall Pass.

2010-11-24T12:05:00.004+08:00

The 2010 A Level Experience

I say, 2010, really, because there might be a 2011 A Level experience? Yah, I know I'm looking like such a pessimist but I'm trying to be realistic here, knowing what I did not do this year. Writing this because ... I don't know. It's one of those big things you have to write/reflect about in life, you know. It's probably something I'll look fondly (albeit cringing slightly) back on. My English, omg, I don't even know if that sentence structure was right (sounds/looks wrong) but whatever. Regardless, even though I've prepared myself for the worst, (But then again, you can never fully do that, can you?) still clinging on to that hope that I can actually study something that I want to do.

This is so cliche, but there is a bigger plan out there that none of us could have enough heart/mind/soul to fathom so whatever happens will happen and there will be nothing to do but accept it. And that, I will do. That aside, this is most of us, isn't it? Having to settle for mediocrity, never ever really propelling ourselves forward to do what we really want. Oh, the world and their standards. Not like we could/would have it any other way anyway. I know what I want to do. I just need to know how to get there. It's not an impossible dream, just takes some guts to even imagine it in the first place.

I digress. In retrospect, I know a part of me will be beating myself up over screwing up a relatively ... Dare I even use the word? Easy A Level year, (Math. Economics. Chemistry, a bit?) how-we-were-tested-wise. But we all know it's never easy. Perhaps it was once, but it isn't now and I can only assume that sadly, it never will be again. Ah, so many things I know I should have and could have done but didn't do. No regrets whatsoever, but you know all those life quotes about just doing your best and that's enough (for one's self, at least)? ... Yeah, I didn't really do that. Guilt, perhaps? It's always about the people who matter. :/ I will never forget what she said that day I shouted at her face and walked away. Prior to the drama, she said I had to do it for me, not for anyone else, in order for it to work. Ms Lee was right, I guess.

The content, the skills, the application - none of it was up to par. Pop inside my head and it really wouldn't seem like I was a JC2 student at all. Come to think of it, I never ever consciously put what I had learnt from pen to paper. The whole A Levels was just sort of vomit out whatever I could remember or had in my mind, just as long as I wrote something that seemed logical. All the step-by-step thought process thrown out the window. Now that I've ended, it's still sort of surreal. I wonder if we will forget about it? 4 months is a long wait, but I don't think we will. It'll always be gnawing at us in one way or another. Next year March ... I'm excited! But I definitely could afford to wait.

Whatever comes will come,

And we'll be okay.

1223.

Na Na Na Na Na Na;

2010-11-24T01:25:00.006+08:00

This just about sums it up

BECAUSE THE

A FUCKING LEVELS ARE OVER

That will be all for now. More to come when ...
1. It is not 1:30AM in the morning.
2. One of those days I stay at home and be a bum all day.
3. I am not busy doing other shit online.

0131.

The Mansion Song;

2010-11-20T23:56:00.007+08:00

Well well well ...

It's been a while since I've blogged at this time of the night. Usually, it would entail some sort of emotional God knows what but that will not be the case tonight. I'd like to confess that I am absolutely horribly incorrigible when it comes to studying and I am such a slacker, you don't even know. I am saying that in all seriousness. Dear friends, wait till you see how much I have done. Or rather, not done. And to think I wanted to pursue further studies like a Masters or even a Ph.D, this just proves that no, I shall not be doing that. Mostly because I probably won't even make it there in the first place and also, I am just incapable of sitting my butt down to study.

Was thinking about how I sort of miss my now ~~neglected~~ not-noticed-as-much English fandoms. Jason Mraz ♥ Kate Nash ♥ Musicals ♥ ... Korean music industry, you be damned! (Shakes fist) Ah, don't freak, Kiddos. I'm just joking, really. Been going through all sorts of music phases this year. At one point, I couldn't stop listening to The Hush Sound, The Format ... etc. Indie, in general. Then I could only listen to band music. Second Suite in F and Japanese Graffiti XIV, in particular. But that might be partly due to work purposes. Could probably still bust a Kitto Daijobu move right now, if you ask me. :) Yeah, good ol' times. When A's are over, (Fuck yeah, 3 days!) I'm just going to spend some time lurking around for music. Although the urge is to delve right into and drown willingly in the universe of American/British TV and go crazy with fangirling joy, I shall resist.

Here's a lullaby for you time.
♫ Kate Nash's You Were So Far Away ♫

1215.

Strumming My Fiddle;

2010-11-18T13:00:00.010+08:00

Hi there.

I'm bored and Economics is uh ... Well, at this moment, I can't be bothered. Days like this, I am thankful that I didn't take 4 H2s. Or actually, I'm just thankful I decided not to take Physics. Today is the A Level Physics Paper 2 and being a witness of the amount of fear/anxiety it induces is enough to crush any possible remnants of my Physics-affectionate self. (I used to like it in secondary school, second to Chemistry.) But then again, the pressure-cooker education environment here gives rise to insurmountable amounts of fear/anxiety in everyone, regardless of what subjects you take. And yes, this is coming from the girl with the "slack" subject combination. (Honestly, guys, H2 Chem Math Econs H1 Lit is not easy, okay.)

Ironically, it seems that all the subjects I have a tendency for being horribly inept at, I like, (case in point: Chemistry) while those I actually don't suck so much at, I just dislike to the very core of my soul. (case in point: Economics) I must be slightly masochistic, in that sense. I exaggerate, but you get the drift. So anyway, 3 more papers to the end and it's sort of surreal. The end, sounds harsh in this context for some reason. Although, I do, unfortunately, believe that I will be retaking my A Levels next year. :/ (cross my fingers and hoping with a fragile hope that this will NOT have to be true) But come on, it's not the end of the world.

And this will mark the end of today's dose of word vomit.
Next time, when the boredom sinks in again.

~~(Note to self: It's probably time to read up on some Econs.)~~

1314.

Being Eighteen,

2010-11-13T15:55:00.006+08:00

This will become the obligatory I-am-now-18 post

whenever I decide that it's time to write it.

For now, it just doesn't feel like it's the time yet.

So far, all I can say is, there is a subtle shift in time when you turn eighteen. It's not something you can feel in your bones or that you can feel your heart beating faster. It's not a distinctive feeling. How should I put this? It's like a ripple of air movement along your hair ends. Barely noticeable, but noticed all the same. Maybe I'll drink today, I don't know. If I do, then, bottoms up it is.

Arrivals and Departures.

2010-11-09T18:20:00.000+08:00

This will be me when it's all over:
On my knees.
Drunk. Crying.
Without a care in the world.

(NO NOT REALLY)

"Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold."
- II Corinthians 3:12

9 November - 23 November 2010
Carpe diem.

1826.

Dino Rampage.

2010-10-27T12:13:00.010+08:00

Blogging as an excuse to stay online to watch all the drama that is unfolding. (I'm sure there's still more to be said.) But then again, half of you won't know/don't care/will judge so I shall not go into details. But other than that, the gears in my head are whirring rapidly which is probably why I'm typing so fast and there doesn't even seem to be any sort of coherence in this post. But I'm trying my best. Two weeks to A Levels, been awake for 2 hours and haven't done any shit. So how's that for being a student about to take the A Levels? Right now, I'm not as scared as fuck. But I presume I will be, eventually. Hmmm, give me a few days. When the countdown becomes 1 week, I guarantee there will be some extreme freaking out going on.

Have I mentioned that I'm going to Indonesia this weekend? Actually, I wasn't supposed to go with my family. But the hotel breakfast drew me in. Hotel breakfast buffets are like ... Divine. I'm in it mostly for the bread. Croissants, yum. :D I love good bread. Which is why, I am going to open a bakery after I retire. I'm not really into baking though, so ... It's quite ironic. But I remember having thoughts of hoping my parents were still alive to taste the bread I make. Anyway, as I am typing this, I'm sure there's major shit going on online but like I said, I shan't go into details.

I hope that after I'm finished with this blabbery, I will get down to studying. I didn't go for Literature lesson today anyway, I woke up late. Oh man, I can totally see myself being late for exams. HOW CAN THAT BE, NOOOO. Why is my school so far D: Okay, this is really turning into rubbish that is irrelevant to everything else that is happening right now. My slacking is ridiculous. I'm impossibly lazy. Need to throw anything electronic away right now. Enough said, toodles. And anyway, if you're curious, some dude who's got like a gazillion fans finally revealed that he has a girlfriend so that's why everyone is freaking out. (No, I'm not part of the gazillion people that are freaking out. Just excited to see what happens next, haha. But if it was someone else ... Well, that's another story altogether.) There, I said it. Don't judge. :)

Here's some The Maine for your time.

1221.

How To Disappear Completely,

2010-10-14T16:59:00.010+08:00

I've got a theory. It is that everything I deem fake is, in actual fact, real. But because these are changes that I do not know, people that I no longer recognize, scenes that are unfamiliar to me, my brain defensively rejects them as false. There is the involuntary reflex to never find fault with yourself. How hard is it to admit that the problem is you? That your misery is self-inflicted. That you are the psychotic one. It is an overwhelming truth - that you are what is wrong in the equation. What is worse is knowing that all would be right without you. It eats you up inside and leaves only a hollow carcass behind. How do I believe you and all that you say? Behind those sweet kind smiles, how can I not consider the possibility of malice and venomous intent?

Affirmation. Truth. Love. Security. Sincerity.
Don't ask me. I do not know.
If only you knew.
If only you knew.

1700.

Dream Tenures,

2010-10-14T00:00:00.005+08:00

(Idealistic rant: might not necessarily be coherent.)

I will be okay even if I fail.

And I just wish everyone would be too. Of course, it could go either way. You could end up not pushing yourself to the best that you can be, which is what is happening to me right now. (That's a bad thing.) But at least you know you're not going to end up killing and beating yourself up (Not literally. Oh God, no.) on the way to March 2011. 12 years in an education system that is all I have ever known and I can understand the pressure. I understand the unspoken fears. I believe that whatever we say out loud is only ever a tiny fraction of the immense amount of feeling we have inside.

There are some whose beliefs are based in pragmatism and for the most part, even when you don't believe, you just go along anyway. But what's wrong with striving for other things? What's wrong with going for different goals? Is it necessary that we all end up as white-collar workers with more money than is actually needed? I've got dreams. And honestly, I know that there is almost no chance in Hell that they'll come through, but they get you by.

What I mean is, 26 days to the start of our exams, and now, it's really kicking in. The hype, the fears, the pressure, the late nights. But don't let it suck you in. I guess you could view these thoughts as a sort of cowardly way of thinking, because I know I can't do it so I just make excuses to make it seem like I don't care. Perhaps, it is. Maybe I've masked my insecurities with an unrealistic ideal. But so what, seriously? At the end of the day, happiness (and mostly everything else, really) is subjective. And isn't that what we all want?

Not related but relevant,

Try ♫ Jason Mraz's "The Forecast."

0002.

The Hunger Pangs.

2010-10-09T21:35:00.006+08:00

I say this first, "Proceed with caution."

Because this post will be full of blab that may be subject to questioning.

When I wrote that as a start, 3 days ago, I was impassioned, full of opinions, desperate to get it all out. In my Romantic,-put-everything-into-words-nobody-can-understand, you know, those kind of moments. But as always, these come and go. Now, I just can't be bothered. Not like anybody will care anyway. So, I shall spare everyone the need to read through God knows how much I would have written.

Last "official" week of school anyway.

I guess I am slightly amused that I hardly have much of a reaction to it. Perhaps it's my lack of a deep emotional connection to the school. Maybe 2 years is just too short to really cultivate any sense of bonding. There will be people who always matter, of course. But if we don't want it to end here, who can stop us? On the other hand, with others, there's an unsaid, yet known, ending that is and will always be tangible. ... I shall stop myself right there.

True that. Just that people get "love" wrong all the time.

27 days. So excited. So scared. So amazed.

So happy. So frustrated. So many things right now.

But I know it's going to go by in a flash. My Home Tutor said you haven't lead a complete JC life if you don't go through the final mugging lap. My predictions are, by the end of it all, I can't say I have by that definition. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea for my principal to keep pushing for acceptance of possible atrocious results, seems to have resulted in apathy. Owells. 41 days later, I'll be all set to watch Deathly Hallows Part 1. Who's with me? :)

1749.

Apocalyptic Proportions;

2010-10-05T22:52:00.010+08:00

Looks like we've made it.

Point form today,
Because every thought stands in isolation.

Come to think of it, I've only ever gotten ~~great~~ decent essay grades in year-end exams. (i.e. Promos and Prelims) I suddenly thought of this because a teacher just wrote on my juniors' Fb walls that their Promo essays (from yesterday's GP exam) were excellent. I wonder if I can write a good essay, come November 9. Part of me thinks I just get lucky sometimes, sighs. I must get 40/50 when the time comes. Note to self: It's time to write an exam AQ for once in your JC life. Another thing, better decide on your pet topics soon.

Today, I probably did the most work in a day since post-Prelims. Nothing much. Not even worth mentioning in absolute terms. I can tell it's far from enough.

I don't know whether I'm really gotten rid of that fear of failing/disappointing/humiliation/whatever. If that's true, I have immense persuasive powers because that would mean I've been deluding myself for quite some time now.

Why are all my juniors who have Promos on Facebook? ... But then again, of all people, it should be students like myself who understand. Been there, done that, you know.

SHINee, Hello (2010)
How unfortunate, that screencap.

Distraction for all the studious and extremely tired. If you like them, good for you. Take a 4 minute break. If you hate them, at least you can spend the 4 minutes with your mind off the looming exams and wondering why people bother watching such things. Judge, even, if you will. I know you want to. Up to your fancy.

I found out yesterday that my last paper, H2 Economics Paper 2, is in the afternoon. First thought, "Damnit. Watch Harry Potter also must watch at night." (It feels slightly weird to type in Singlish.)

We had an interesting discussion during Break today. Snippets include fanfiction, dungeons, chains, family, incognito windows, maturity. Make your guesses on what topic. In our defence, I think we were all being quite objective about it.

Sean came back to school the other day. I'm glad to see that at least some people are happier. :) You know, even with all the complaints and curses directed at the school, (from myself included) it's not really that bad a place. If anything, it's just unlucky that it's a JC. The JC system just sucks the good out of anything and everything.

33 days. Fly.

2318.

Thirty Five Days,

2010-10-03T22:32:00.008+08:00

This is more than I bargained for.

A gentle reminder;
For everything that apparently matters.

"You know, a few months ago, I made a terrible mistake. I realized something, and instead of crushing the thought the moment it came I ... I let it hang on, and now I know it to be true. And I'm afraid it's stuck in my head forever. These are the best days of our lives. It's a terrible thing to know, but I know it." - The Count, The Boat That Rocked (2009)

2235.

40 Up,

2010-10-02T18:32:00.007+08:00

Another 30 to go.

Kate Nash says "hello".
Later On from My Best Friend Is You (2010)

I don't feel like doing anything.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to study. I don't want to watch TV. I don't watch to use the computer. I don't want to do anything. I'm just such a ridiculously impossible student. The grades are back and in a word, I'm thankful. There's nothing else to it. Convoluted into some minute part of it, there's these thoughts though. (in random order) 1. Fuck yes, I'm gonna do this! I can do this! 2. That goes to show something, all you non-believers. 3. Oh shit, bring on the expectations.

The grades are still shit, don't get me wrong. I didn't magically suddenly jump to stellar grades for Prelims from the atrocious ones I had for Mid-years. But I guess when you've hit rock bottom, there's really no way else to go but up. And (this is for a certain group of people, in particular, you know who you are) we're going to make it. Don't be disheartened. The upward motion's already a sign. Giving up is not and should never be an option.

A little something random:

"(to me) I'm going to kill you." - Ms Zhang
Taken out of context, of course. Haha.

1853.

Not Your Cherie Amour.

2010-09-29T21:34:00.003+08:00

Sara (Dec 2009) by Alexa Meade

When all this is over,

More than the fun and freedom I'll supposedly have, more than anything, I'll be glad because I'll have the time to think through all that matters. Can't stop thinking, you know. There's more decisions to make after the A's and I'm not talking career/academic-wise. Choices. I don't know if I'll ever go back. Rather than asking if I want to go back, I have to ask ... Is there even a place to go back to in the first place? The thought induces a mixture of "Owells" and ":(" feelings.

I guess sifting through your relations is not the way to go. Pretty callous and shallow, if you ask me. But admittedly, how else can you go? We have gone down the same road. You went this way while I went another way. Different places, and the dust trail disintegrates behind us as we walk past. There is no turning back. Neither is there a need to lie in a pathetic attempt to put ourselves at ease. And I've pretty much concluded that I'm on my way to becoming the tin man.

It's a good and bad thing.
Subject to further evaluation.

2159.

Hide And Seek,

2010-09-27T23:02:00.007+08:00

"When I finally found her she just smiled.. you know, that Effy smile that means, “You don’t know me at all. and you never will.” See? That’s a kind of magic … She’s so good at concealing things, hiding, avoiding. I do know her. And I know that she has got so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it out, showing her cards, scares her to death. I never knew it would be possible to miss someone this much." - Anthea Stonem, Skins (S03E10, Everyone)

2305.

Mosh In A Mosh Pit,

2010-09-23T20:46:00.002+08:00

(via impulsifier)

Just had to share. (Y)

On a side note, I am slightly amused that -

My 1000th post is about moshing. HAHA.

2048.

Pipe Smoking Rabbits,

2010-09-17T20:28:00.007+08:00

All hail rulers.

Life is not as we know it.

Ms Lee held us back after our final ~~pathetic 1-hour long~~ paper today to tell us that our papers are coming back next week. So yes, the shit just keeps on piling up. Among other things, she told us to think of a single word that we could use to describe one classmate and also to order our class photos, in which, we are so gross that I cannot take it. ... Okay, maybe not the whole class. A few significant others and myself. Haha.

Needless to say, today's paper was dismal. In retrospect, it was probably the paper where I most felt oh-God-fuck-shit-what-just-happened-what-did-I-just-do. GP would probably second that. Too little time to think, so nervous that I shaded wrongly and had to backtrack and re-shade, too much cursing under my breath. But after all that's been said and done, I'm okay now. Let's see what next week will bring. Bet it'll be a different story, but we get through it all.

I rearranged my bedroom which I don't sleep in (still looks like crap, but slightly better) and tomorrow, I'm rearranging all my school stuff. Doing all this in a bid to get myself raring to go for the next 7 weeks of (hopefully) intensive revision because I'll be damned if I don't catch up with everyone else. In other news: My neck hurts. My stomach/abdomen is acting all funny. I'm getting fatter. In conclusion, (I just thought of it) I'm growing old. Turning 18, they say it's only the beginning. We'll see. We'll see.

This is the real deal.

It all boils down to this.

Epiphanies:

This happened after I added some Marc Johns to this post. Hmmm, the magic. I always come up with ~~magical and wise~~ random ~~shit~~ thoughts after seeing, reading, hearing something somewhere sometime somehow. Anyway, what I was thinking was ... Oh fuck, I forgot. Like, for real. My memory, damnit. Another bullet point for my list of "How I know I'm growing old". That aside ... It's alright! I'm sure there's more where that came from. (I hope that's not bad news for most of you.) I get epiphanies all the time. Sometimes they're lame, sometimes even I get surprised by what I can come up. (I mean that with positive connotations, btw.) There are hidden gems in everybody.

Diamonds in the rough.

And so, this ends here -
With my lack of a decent memory.

2120.

Teenage Dreams,

2010-09-11T11:02:00.005+08:00

Everything is.

The bottomline / the mantra / whatever you want to call it

(via samevein)

I watched MTV for 15 minutes.

I lasted that long, okay. Why? How? 1. I was looking at how pretty Katy Perry was, so I watched her video. And actually started listening to what the song was about, rather than just looking at her. I couldn't bear to look after a while anyway because she was getting naked and having sex and ... Yeah. Everyone knows how MTV is. 2. I was watching Megan Fox and Dominic Monaghan, amidst the random intervals of Eminem in some random field and Rihanna just don't-know-doing-what.

On a random note, my browser has strangely changed colour from __________ (I can't remember what it was before) to this light grey colour. A mood browser, perhaps? That would be fun. I could imagine the colours of the different people I know. Although I assume that most of them would probably unfortunately have different hues of grey/black. Anyway, it's Saturday! 2 days till Preliminary Exams Part TWO. Just a reminder, in case I forget.

2315.

#997.

2010-09-10T13:44:00.002+08:00

About time.

Ahoy, mates.

This will be a short one, I hope. Then, it's down to Math and Chemistry because I am so ditching Economics. I'll always feel bad though, because I know Mr Li hasn't totally given up on me. Or so I think, or would like to think. I can see it in his eyes man. He knows I can do this. And ~~I guess~~ I know I can do this too. To think that my Prelim grades would be any good though would be complete denial of my utter failure to ground myself and get down to work.

So what is it - about 2 months left? The number of days I have left till A's sporadically leave and enter my mind. This is bad though, I know. I think I've reached a point where it just doesn't mean that much to me anymore. And the only reason it's slightly meaningful is because I'm thinking of my wonderful parents. Ms Lee was right about one thing. I should be impelled to do well for the damned exams, not be compelled to do so by other forces.

I have a theory that after I started giving myself alternatives, I started slacking off. In retrospect, I should never have done that. I remember telling Nicole once that she shouldn't give herself any options and yet, that's what I did with myself. I'm constantly reminding myself that it's not too late. That's just my mantra. "It's not too late. It's not too late. It's never too late." I'm sort of hoping it sticks, so that I'll never give up, you know. Until the end.

We'll see how it goes.

1353.

Through The Looking Glass,

2010-09-05T18:53:00.005+08:00

Peering. Seeing.

So this brings in the September Holidays.

Papa asked why they didn't just finish Prelims before the holidays came. And I said the whole point was to ensure that we studied (which doesn't necessarily always work, especially with me some people) during this period instead of slacking off. Which is the whole purpose of having a holiday, actually. But whatever, since when did that ever matter here in Singapore anyway, right. You just get used to the screwed up system we have and go along with it because it just happens to be able to get you somewhere sometime and people want that. I guess.

1 week of Prelims over and it hasn't been good. Bad, even. But relative to mid-years, a lot better. I guess this is what it means when relativism blurs everything. What's good can be bad. What's bad can be good. Nobody really knows anymore because everyone relates things differently. Nobody's really bound by the same values or the same standards, which thus leads to so many debatable aspects. Sure adds spice though. We live, argue, laugh about it, bitch about it. Either way, life goes on.

Yesterday was a rollercoaster.

I'm blaming a huge part of it on the 4 cups of coffee. (Plus the 12 packets of creamer and 12 packets of sugar) I studied Econs for while, but my attention span dwindled into nothingness and basically, restlessness took over. I went to Kino for a while and read, wandered, looked at stuff I could never afford, thought about things, expanded my head-space even further into the wrong direction and just moped, in general. Things are like that when you're alone, I guess. Every little thing just seems, for lack of a better word, negativity-inducing. And to add to that, I was in some sort of stupor from the caffeine/sugar.

When Elizabeth came around,

Of course, things became a lot better. And conversations were weaved with everything we always talked about, except said with hearts a million times lighter because it was just us two and we knew we could trust the other. Perceptions. Confessions. I felt like we could go on talking forever, and it was nice. It was heart-warming and the words that just come to mind are simply "light" and "free". Like, there's no need to go on explaining any further because those two words encompass everything good about yesterday. But I want to because it's one of those days you want to remember and want to write down. In case our memories fail us, you know.

We didn't study or do anything productive. And as students whose A Levels are in 9 weeks and Prelims are yet to be over, you'd think we're in a state of hysteria, but all's well. :) ~~(At least for now.)~~ It was lightening in a sense also, I guess, because it's been a while since I've been this honest with someone else. For the longest time, I had so many thoughts and so much truth, but I kept it all within. Maybe because I thought I shouldn't share it with anyone because they wouldn't understand/agree/listen sincerely. But that's another story which I might tell some other time.

I've come to realise ...

That I like these days. Yes, in spite of the fact that A Levels are looming ominously above us all or that I'm going to do badly for Prelims. I like being able to think about the future and being objective. I take pride in what's changed and for continually not straying too far from who I am. I'd like to think this is a sign that I'm getting rooted, that I'm on my way to maturing. That, perhaps, this year truly is the coming-of-age year for me. (sounds so corny haha) And I'd like to think that when the time comes - what hits me will hit me - and I'll be fine.

Perhaps this is because I've come to accept the fact that I'm not going to be receiving fantastic through-the-roof grades come March 2011. It opens your mind, I guess. Because sometimes, we set paths for ourselves and we just don't see anything beyond that. The moments where I feel the exact opposite aren't going to go away, I know. Gosh, I'm not that idealistic. But I've got family, friends, God and myself. So bring it on. Just bring it on.

End of rather lengthy semi-dreamy post.

Have a happy ~~and productive~~ holidays.

1942.

Though You Treat Me Cruel,

2010-08-30T16:05:00.004+08:00

I still.

Years down the road, I don't want to end up beating myself up over and over again over something that I will then no longer be able to do anything about. I don't want to have to constantly look over my shoulder, contemplating the "what if"(s). Living life that way, you never truly look forward, or look up. If you think of it in the literal context, whilst walking, you'll probably be zoning out, looking at the floor, just letting your feet lead you - without thought, without direction.

The thought is frightening, really. It's funny how today's comprehension on the pursuit on happiness was based on the liberating fact that in order to be happy, you don't have to be anybody else but yourself. If that is so, then how come so many people in the world today seem totally unaware of that fact? Are they really disillusioned, choosing to wallow in their own murky sadness? Or perhaps, the world is littered with half-truths.

There is, in fact, a tragic beauty in grief.

1613.

Nobody Said It Was Easy,

2010-08-29T21:40:00.009+08:00

No one ever said it would be this hard.

There will always be times when you wish you could be somebody else. (I.e. Who you really want to be in reality.) But life always gets in the way. Being a neurotic: realising that the dreams that you have encased in diamond on a jade pedestal are devastatingly disparate from everything that you can and ever will be. I wish I could keep the faith. We're way too young to already have become cynical of the world.

2145.

Revolution,

2010-08-29T20:25:00.004+08:00

Neurotic.

I hope this turns out short. :D HAHA.

Well, it's GP tomorrow and I've been thinking about writing and stuff. My own, of course. And I am most probably thinking too much, (Oh God, I'm nervous. :@ :S :( !!!) but whatever. Anyway, the point is ... Well, I have no idea what my point is, actually. I have no idea why I'm here either. My mind's just sort of convoluted right now. There are multifarious words, issues, random shit and whatnot in there so ... Okay, I'll stop myself right there.

All the best, one and all.
SEVENTY FUCKING DAYS, oh my.

2031.

Creeping Under,

2010-08-27T23:52:00.003+08:00

In hiding.

This is me, taking a break
From everything that apparently matters.

Nihilism is taking over. But well, despite this, I shall continue believing that come some day, I will be enlightened with a greater meaning for this life I lead. And friends, don't give up hope. My favourite quote for Omg-fuck-this-I-don't-want-to-do-this-anymore moments, "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." So I've been doing Math the whole day and it really screws up your brain quite a bit. Especially when you don't know how to do more than half of the question you've attempted.

Gone are the days where everything was automatic. Step 1: read the question. Step 2: Don't think and just start writing. Step 3: Wait for someone to tell you it's the right answer. It doesn't feel like Prelims is in 2 days. But GP oh my oh my, I need to own the damned paper. My GP grade need to get out of this state of inertia, a pathetic C. I can tell I can't think straight though. Perhaps the methodology behind my thinking's not right anymore. It's been a while since it has been anyway. I can't remember when I last had a clear head.

Why is it that ...

I am caught mid-sentence. It just seems like images come to me at the most random of times. And these are usually always concerned with people I've lost. It is unfortunate that there are more than a few. Sometimes, I wonder about them a little longer than I should, but I know I always have to pull myself out of it. It's like, if you go past a certain point, you'll be lost in a limbo of negativity, encased in an indefinite space of emptiness that you've been trying to avoid all your life.

Perhaps these are the ghosts that are so often mentioned in books, in movies, in thoughts yet unspoken. Everyone has their own. Thinking about this now, I can begin to see what these ghosts are made of. A mix of regret and sadness, outlined by that transparent membrane of indignation and in the centre, a tiny core the size of a mustard seed, of a reality that has since vanished. But amidst all this, it is the hope and the longing that holds the strands together.

The haunting shall stop, therefore,
When we stop clinging on to the memory
Of what has already ceased to exist.

0019.

Starlight,

2010-08-25T20:09:00.015+08:00

Far away.

It's been a while.

The sudden urge to be here surprises me. (Or not.) Like clockwork, everything comes back to me. The thought processes, the structure, the visions. It's 5 days to Prelims and it's been about 5 months since I've come to the space. It's amazing how so much has changed and yet, some things still remain the same. Life has been cruel. Life has been good. I feel like these are the beginning lines of my life story. There is the overwhelming need to open up my soul and let the contents spew out like water gushing from a broken dam, but I just don't.

I was asked once whether I ever felt disgusted with myself. I answered yes, but as an afterthought, I thought to myself, "You don't know how many times." 5 months later and you'd think I probably would have changed, but here I am, still writing things that boil down to the same old concept that everything and everyone is isolated. Or at least, I am. This is the girl who are bound to let people down. Family. Friends. Guardians. Teachers. Those with expectations.

But for those who truly know,

The expectations have long gone, I suppose. And for those who don't, theirs are expectations of a girl who doesn't exist anymore. Perhaps, never even existed. It's funny how here every paragraph is chock full of negativity but in reality, I'm telling myself it's going to be okay. I'm trying to weigh my priorities now. And after the school's numerous "motivational" talks, my mind's going into another direction.

That other direction, though ... I doubt it will materialise. You cannot blame me for being a cynic when it comes to dreams. Dreams, in every sense of the word ... Mention it to me and the word that comes outright is "Bullshit." It is involuntary. And here the world says, "Follow your dream. Do what you're passionate about. You can do it if you put your mind to it." But actions speak louder than words, you see. And those actions are spreading a message in giant neon headlights, "Fuck dreams. You know what you really have to do."

Pride gets in the way, you know.

Always have. Always will. I'm not in denial. I know that my motivations are not sound and that they stand precariously on a very fragile foundation. I could just wake up one day and think, "I'm not doing it. Fuck this shit. I give up." ... But I won't. 75 days and lo and behold, it's the biggest exam of my life thus far! 13 years of education in this country and this is the crunching point. We either make it or break it. But then again, is it not this fatalistic view that brings out the worst in us?

Slit your wrists and count to ten.

Before all turns dark, grab a pen.
"Goodbye", you write, "All will be well."
Red. A lot of red. Then ...

What's the worsts that could happen?
We will sing, ~~krump,~~ dance, shake, laugh it all off
And go off yodelling into the sunset.

2038.

It Ended,

2010-03-14T21:48:00.004+08:00

When you said goodbye.

With every revelation, I usually get it down in black and white. It doesn't matter where. On paper, on my handphone, Blogger, Tumblr, Twitter, wherever - I must just get it out or it'll probably be lost forever. More often than not, I make these out to be more dramatic than they really are in my head. Something I'm not so proud of, sometimes. I read back on what I write a lot of the times and I don't really like what I see almost all the time.

If you think I'm mean to you, you should know that the most cutting criticism that comes from my (unfortunately) razor sharp tongue is saved for the bearer herself, like double-edged swords, a rain of glass shards falling from the sky. When I read, epiphanies arise, so I write some more. Cycle repeats. Perhaps, there was no real need to mention all that.

I'll be here for a while, where it's a bit harder to track me down. But when you find me, you'll find I'm as easy to read as an open book. You'll see through me like I'm a sheer sheet of glass. And that's what scares me. Don't even try, you know - because if you've bothered to get past my defense mechanism, you won't find anything that's worth it.

Flutter-by, fickle butterflies.

2157.

Don't They Know,

2010-03-12T03:05:00.009+08:00

It's the end of the world.

As we got on with life,

We suspect that Norman has a tape worm in his body.
Our rugby team has supposedly some sort of infectious virus going around, which sort of made me think of never-dying flesh-eating zombies.
We are all in too deep. I don't think any of us wants to get out, really.
I should probably stop going home from Bukit Panjang.
The Grimm collection of fairy tales that I have finished reading were pretty ... Grim.
Common Tests are over, by the way.
To while away our post-CT lives, it was "Off with their heads!" for some of us and "Up in the ass" for the rest.
I think ... Our class can be polar opposites of ourselves at any one point in time. The moments come and go sporadically.
I've past 21000 on Geo Challenge. :D Although I think I played about a hundred times.
I think it's time to sleep.

0315.

Maybe I Was Wrong,

2010-03-10T20:58:00.007+08:00

Belief takes you the long way there.

(Pui.)

i. You are an asshole. I don't even know why I bother. ii. This might just burst that bubble I'm living in. ... And that's a good thing. iii. I feel compelled to thank you. So thank you (so much), for being in my life. iv. The Math paper today didn't suck, I did. And, to a magnificently horrifying extent, may I add. I am thoroughly depressed and degraded. (No need to rub it in. Seriously.) Maybe it'll make me pull my shit together. Maybe. v. Oh, what shall I do about the Chemistry paper tomorrow? 3 hours is too long for me to take. vi. I am starting to see all the little things that I was wrong about. vii. Let's get on with our lives.

2115.

What We Need,

2010-03-08T22:15:00.007+08:00

To have a good time.

The dreadful Common Tests start. And as a result of tonight's total hopelessness, I will be receiving estranged sheets of paper from huge hands connected to a very disappointed big man in about 2 weeks time. There is a terribly dangerous possibility that I might be getting 10+% for Economics. Of course, with the hopelessness, comes the castaway - leaving more room to think about other things. I shan't elaborate. "5 Years Time" being sung in my head, bearing a sadly stark contrast to my unfortunately much darker thoughts.

You know you're thinking the same thing. Stop pretending to be indifferent. Or perhaps, I am subconsciously imposing my opinions of you onto reality. People do that sometimes, for some reason or another. You don't need to and should have no reason to know mine.

2227.

Two Less Lonely People In The World,

2010-03-07T19:09:00.007+08:00

And it's going to be fine.

i. People build up walls for a reason. Don't go trying to break them down for your own malicious intent. Or else, they'll soon turn to titatium and you'll find her more than just barricaded within. ii. Because she has long since taken a step back and become an observer with her hands touching that piece of glass, merely feeling the reverberations, a reflection of the intensity of sound across it. And across her eyes, a milky substance has folded over so that everything is of the colour cream, and behind that, it's unclear. So unclear. iii. Common Tests start tomorrow. iv. "Flashback. Warm nights. ... I fall behind. The second hand unwinds. ~"

v. I now bid you farewell.

1919.

The City Is Burning,

2010-03-01T21:46:00.005+08:00

i. I know it may not seem like it, but I really do know that you're not worth it. ii. You're one of the few people I can still, for sure, tell myself that I want in my life. I just wish you knew how much you mattered. iii. I cannot wipe that image of your condescending expression from my mind and just so you know, it's making something crumble from within. iv. Thank you. v. I don't know what to think of you. I refuse to succumb to accepting the worst possible image of you in my mind. vi. If you knew what I knew, you'd explode and I can't/won't let that happen. vii. We're all in the same boat, in case you haven't noticed. viii. I can imagine us laughing sadly to ourselves at the same time at our ridiculous predicaments. ix. I predict that I will fail 3/5 subjects for my CTs and yet, I'm still ... (You'll never know what follows that thought.)

2156.

[/edit]

Today, Brian sang a song, which I found heartbreaking but sweet at the same time. It made me think of little boys and girls and sweet sweet romance. From the way your name still rolls off my tongue, I know I'm a long way away from ... Wherever. I'm going to stop sending you notes now. And I hope that you'll be happy.

Math.

2225.

The Age Of Silence,

2010-02-19T22:51:00.004+08:00

We're all holding something in. Because she's in love with someone else. Because he will never see me that way. Because taking that risk could mean the end of everything we have now. Because she's a blabbermouth. Because to her, I am invisible. Because it might come out wrong. Because it's more likely to be misunderstood than understood. Because our idealogies are starkly different. Because you might reject it (me). Because you will judge me and that thought would be unbearable. Because the uncertainty of change is a darkness I'm unwilling to enter. Because we're afraid. Because beneath all the boisterousness and shifty expressions and huddled up circles of conversation, there is a distrust that can never be completely masked. That is why.

And I just wanted to say (You may not know that the following is for you, not because you don't read what I write, but because the thought would never cross your mind that one of those cryptic ambiguous messages I, almost too often, write would be for you.) 4 words: Never dream it's over. And a story I dug up from the archives that goes,

"Once upon a time, there was a story of two friends. Somehow or rather, they were put into different yet the same circumstances. As the years passed, the friends were placed far apart from each other. One thought, there goes our friendship. Look, she's already moved on. And so when they were asked, she smiled and said, 'No, we were once good friends.' However, the other, when asked said no, she's my best friend. And the first friend realized that the other friend hadn't moved on and left her behind. They had been on the same page all along."

2330.

Jumping Over The Edge,

2010-02-17T22:21:00.008+08:00

Imploded.

Reporting.

If we bothered to look around from outside ourselves, we'd think we were okay. Hurt once, injured once, hints of bruises and scars still visible if looked at closely. But we're alright. We're walking, talking, breathing, feeling. We wake up, go about, then go to sleep. It's like clockwork. 1, 2, 3, 4. We know what it's like. We've been through it ourselves. We've watched and we're still watching others go through it as well.

People say that "Things happened." but what? The truth is ... I don't know what to do. And now everything is fake. Everything. You cannot even imagine the extent of how real that fact is to me, which is just about the only thing that's real now. (Something out of the blue and seemingly not in line with any of this, but you never know really.: "And you know, sometimes I wonder if we aren't just in another kind of death.")

It's not that I'm very upset about something or that this is an emo(tional) post. I'm just stating things as it is. There has hardly been a time where I've ever neared the criteria to be in that position. That place is not and never will be for me. We back away. We turn on our heels and evacuate. Slowly. Slinking out of the picture. But then again, blame it on our stubborn belief in our own perceptions.

If anything, people like us mistakingly just assume it is better that way. We decide for ourselves and for others. It's a solitary act that no one else can be part of. More often than not, the decision backfires. But that's the only way we can be. This is the way we live. Change is a constant, of course. But developments fall under that category as well, don't they?

FIN.

2251.

We Don't Want Realism,

2010-02-15T20:18:00.003+08:00

We want magic.

It's the 3rd day -

Of those rare long weekends and I have not done any school work. But I really don't care. Perhaps it's the subconscious thought that there's always, ~"Tomorrow, tomorrow. I love you, tomorrow."~ Did you know that it is gramatically incorrect to have three or more punctions put one after the other in a sentence? ... Don't think too much into it. It's just trivia. Back to thoughts about undone school work, complete with images of Gerald's middle finger being wagged in my face, I will deal with it when the time comes. It doesn't help that it's all the subjects that require writing though. GP, Econs, Literature - Omg, yuck. But we attempt to deal with it, don't we?

Moving on with this life, I wouldn't say the past few days have been amazingly dynamic. But nobody needs to be OMG-THAT-WAS-THE-BEST-EVER!!! all the time. Come to think of it, I might come across as that way when giving first impressions. Well, these people shall and will be proven wrong if they bother going past the first impressions so many of them mistakenly steadfastly hold on to. I have more to say on that. But, I shall digress no further.

Post-half day -

Was spent at Swensen's with T35 mates, where we ate and drooled over ice-cream and played bridge and made several attempts to plan our supposed class dinner that same night (which didn't happen in the end). We staked out at the ... "Sex" room, as Brandan so endearingly calls it, did the usual whatever-it-is-that-we-do and went home. There are a million pictures to be testimony to the aforementioned happenings. But as always, meticulous nit-picking and filtering is in play before any is to be uploaded. So, be patient, folks!

Random fact: I use "but" a lot.
I don't like that fact.

That night after Swensen's, I spent the rest of the day/night at home curled up under the sheets, hoping sleep would numb the pain of cramps. It's a monthly battle. But well, we get through it. Mahjong session the next day at Celestine's, together with Fang Ying and Karyn, was pretty enjoyable. (: Albeit my luck was really really bad. Thank God it got better towards the end, or else, I could have made even worse losses. Not that we played money anyway haha.

Lazy Sundays with half the day spent at home, fiddling with Tap Tap on my father's iPhone while waiting to go for the Tagalog mass. I barely understood the readings, just snips here and there, but enough. It didn't help that I was half-blind and everything that was being projected was blurred. To make up for my ignorance, I just said a lot of the usual proceedings in English instead. Which goes to show that, at least, I have the order of the rites in mass right.

So from this point onward, I have gotten lazy so God knows how my writing will turn out. "Valentine's Day" with my brother and sister was light-hearted and relaxing. I think it was more being with them rather than the movie, actually. When you're surrounded by couples, it seems being in the company of your siblings makes them all the more closer than they are most of the time. We lepak-ed a bit outside because we had no keys and had to wait for our parents. A bit loser, I guess. But armed with PSP, a book and iPod - we had our own defenses against boredom. (Albeit these were useless against the flies in the park.)

Today, I went with my Dad and sister for a fellowship. I brought my homework with plans of doing it, but it ended up as I thought it would end up - staying neglected and untouched in my bag. Tomorrow will be another day. Let's hope I get down to doing some homework. I wouldn't want Gerald to whack me and kb me for the whole of Wednesday. But seriously, the thought of having to do it is making me depressed. ): I shall seek solace in "Middlesex".

Happy Chinese New Year.

2117.

What Do You Say,

2010-02-11T21:17:00.016+08:00

To taking chances?

For the longest period,

I've been blinded by what I have gazed at with eyes wide open, perceptions anew. And this paradoxical situation has somehow put me in a predicament, another kind of Hell, which I've watched more than enough to know I'd never want to be caught in as such. Many times though, I have been, but always on that other side - the side from where we pull these estranged souls out of the personal purgatory they have somehow enclaved themselves in. A few times on that side, but the gravity of current times demean what used to be the top of the heap in the past.

This situation, I cannot explicitly describe per se. The above was a generalisation. Everybody has their own story to tell. Everybody has their own secrets they'd rather not divulge. The intricacies of these tales, it seems, can never truly completely make it out of our bodies to become sound. They remain, thoughts attached to a trillion neurons, back and forth, back and forth - till these neurons wear out and shrivel up. Disappear. These thoughts they carry, too, are buried within this imaginary graveyard. Perhaps, rematerialising years later in the form of a ghostly memory.

If you ask me,

It was the sighs of resignation that did it. These weren't heard. They were felt. Those sighs rippled through the air and reverberated silently through flesh, creating a clanging of ribs, a faster pulsating of the heart, a contraction of the lungs, a knot tightening in the stomach. Skin contracting and expanding. Bone against bone. Valves opening and closing. A sudden magnification creates multiple miniature Earthquakes, each horrifying in their own right.

For the love of sanity,

Nothing is worth those sighs.

From a battle that was mine and mine alone, it has become ours. Undoubtly, you have shamelessly pried in, your fingers groping under the defences I have rashly built up in a bid for protection, (albeit achieving the completely opposite effect) hoping to grip my reality. And you have succeeded, in a way. I guess the foundations of those walls were never meant to be that strong in the first place, if you know what I mean.

"Some people believe that holding on and hanging in are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes far more strength just to let go." (via angelicbuttons)

And with that, I say, "Let it be."

2205.

This Gets Harder Everyday,

2010-02-09T20:47:00.004+08:00

Maybe we're better off this way.

"One of the cruelest thing you can do to a person is to pretend to care about them more then you really do." - unknown (via samevein)

Sometimes, I forget that I'm alive.

Everyday I just wake up to put myself on the line for another rollercoaster of anger, laughter, anxiety, hopelessness, exasperation and a shitload of other stuff. That is probably why the first thought in my head everytime consciousness surfaces is: "Should I just pon?" But obviously, I've not gone over that edge. I'm still going to school. I'm still waiting in that line when it's my turn and the build up, the plunges and the loop-de-loops take over.

This post was supposed to be more angst-ridden. It was supposed to be the materialisation of the ultimate bitterness and angst inside of me that has been bubbling under the surface, but I guess even, I, get tired sometimes. It's dwindled into a mere mild nothingness. So impassioned one second, and so indifferent the next. Two sides to a coin, that other side of you is always just two-tenths of a centimetre away.

You should know, though,

That this is not a battle between you and I, or anybody else, for that matter. It's a matter of internal strife - a conflict of interests between old and new perceptions, towards things that were always happening. Call it revelation, but it has brought to my eyes that we are in dire need of a revolution. One, that I am in no position to start and have no courage to do so. Let us just hide behind our smirks and two-faced conversations, shall we?

I just wish that you hadn't tried. Because if you were going to give up on me halfway, you shouldn't even have extended that hand at all. I don't need that betrayal from anyone and especially not from you. I take a backseat now because with so many people scrambling to be in that front seat with you, I don't need to be one of them. I don't want to be one of them. I am trying to be ignorant. But continually, I sense every motion, I hear every sound and it makes me sick to my stomach. ... We press on.

What we all lack is consistency,

Which is why we eventually, (un)knowingly, become hypocrites, liars, backstabbers - the scum of this Earth. We're human. We get tired. We get bored. I get it. That's fine. But it just hurts all the more that way, because you know there's no one out there who's spared from this lingering hidden monstrosity, and that realisation, we all know well, but often deny - is the fact that really sheds light onto the loneliness of your being.

"He said the pleasantest manner of spending a hot July day was lying from morning till evening on a bank of heath in the middle of the moors, with the bees humming dreamily about among the bloom, and the larks singing high up overhead, and the blue sky and bright sun shining steadily and cloudlessly. That was his most perfect idea of heaven’s happiness." - Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte.

Slowly and unknowingly,
... We're losing it.

2100.

Don't Back Down,

2010-02-07T21:25:00.007+08:00

Lies, truth and virtual life.

It's been a while.

I'll pen down real events now, instead of hard black prints of wishy washy amibiguity. I've been reading and doing word searches a lot lately. That's basically what I've been doing every night and over this weekend (that's unfortunately about to end soon) so I haven't really touched anything related to studies. In fact, not at all. This is not good. But I'm pretty sure I'll get bored enough to eventually want to do something about it.

So about my reading, I think I ought to take a break from it because now when I pick up a book, my head hurts after a really short while and I have to read certain sections at least 2 or 3 times before comprehension sets in. Then, I just have the really great urge to stone. Which is what I did on the bus today, I took out Middlesex and read for like a minute then decided it was a bad idea because nothing was going in. A break, that's what I need. Just a few days though, then I'll be right back at it.

And the same goes for my recent word search endeavours, it's time to take a break. Anyway I discovered something, time really flies when you're concentrating on solving word search puzzles. But I digress. ... Well, the point is that I've done all the topics I like - Harry Potter, Musical Terms etc. And there's only so many word search puzzles a book can have, right. Besides, there's only so many at a time my brain can handle. It's like an exponential curve; the more I do, the longer it takes for me to finish one puzzle.

Which is why I'm here, just checking my mail and doing what's "necessary". I don't really go online anymore. It contains little worth for me now. On average, if you cut away the time spent to type things out like this, I'd only be using the computer for 20 minutes. And just moments ago, I was checking the minutes for our band committee meeting and it took the longest time to open for me. I am imagining this sense of foreboding. ... No, I shan't elaborate anymore about my thoughts on the matter.

YFC PA this afternoon after the longest longest time;
I have nothing to say. Really.

This, thus, marks the end.

2145.

[/edit]

The world will never be nice to you. Get that in your head, because if you don't, you're only going to be putting yourself in the line for more hurt than you've already gone through. And when that's the case, instead of getting the sympathy you long for, get ready for a whole shitload of blame because at the end of the day, they're all just going to be thinking over and over in their pretentious little heads, "She brought it upon herself." ... I'm going to stop talking to you in any manner beyond civility now. That is the very best I can give you. Don't you dare expect anymore of me. Thanks for nothing.

2150.

No Time To Reconsider,

2010-02-05T22:17:00.003+08:00

Sell. Out.

"It's all over.", or so we thought. But it never really is, is it? With our feet and hands, we sweep everything under the rug. A huge bulge arises in the middle but as we survey our handiwork of evasion and secrets, it remains unseen to us. Ignorance comes in handy when one is determined to blind one's self. And, knowingly and unknowingly, we find that making up lies in the unknown darkness is preferred to the concrete harsh truth revealed in the light.

Nobody really knows, so there is no need to ask around. We will get no answers. There is an undefinable series of processes going on. These cannot be conceptualized. They are unexplainable simply because the desire to explain such foolishness does not exist. Why bother digging up a dead corpse? There is no satisfaction to be gained from shifty eyes that dart away in guilt when met with a steady gaze. Neither is there any use for a body long deprived of the soul that once resided within.

All of a sudden, the curtains are drawn to reveal the demon that was behind them. Cowardly. Worthless. Trembling. It was there all along, and always will be. Who will sympathise? Who will empathise? Such dirt will never get any more than mere passing glances of disgust. More often than not, we become exactly who we don't want to be. Fraught with anger and despair, I can only build a wall of my own defenses; Bitterness. Rejection. Solitude.

2240.

Life Is Just ...

2010-02-04T20:28:00.002+08:00

A rainy day.

Things I would rather do than finish my overdue homework:

1. Eat my dinner.
We're having spring rolls! Well, not exactly - but sort of. Similar.

2. Read "Grotesque" by Natsuo Kirino.
It took me forever to get through it today. Maybe crime novels just aren't my thing. Well, in the case of Natsuo Kirino, I don't really think the books she writes are actually crime novels per se. They're more like novels that happen to have a crime involved. I don't know. I could be all wrong about this.

3. Do a 100 more word search puzzles.
Yesterday, I quite a number before I went to bed. That was also after I finished reading "Real World". Both reading and doing puzzles made me happy. (: Quite. Very.

4. Take my time to finish this blog post in all earnest.
Well, it's not like it's going to happen.

Dinner's calling.

2034.

Change Of Weather,

2010-02-01T20:38:00.004+08:00

Still together in the end.

With stealth and agility, we prance around, like dancers in a storm, on our tipsy toes, coming in contact with everything we've ever feared and dreamed. Cautiously, but naturally, turning - praying and hoping that this will not upset the stillness and calmness in the air. Do we hold back or do we not? There will come a time when the longing for more takes control, no longer content with swaying in the silence - something will snap. The tumultuous torrent of movement overwhelms us. Will you be there to pick up the pieces? All God's children can dance. And dance, we shall.

2055.

Surrendering To These Flames,

2010-01-31T19:18:00.005+08:00

But I have not ~

Today, homily was about Love.

And you know that famous excerpt from 1 Corinthians 13? It was the second reading today. There are times when homily turns out to be really piercing and despite the boredom/sleepiness/post-tardiness feelings that are in my body, my subconscious picks up on that homily and pricks up. Then I raise my head and listen. Today, I thought that would happen. ... It didn't. Well, not in the usual manner. It took a while before that homily pierced right through.

From that second reading onwards, I guess I was expecting something. I was preparing myself and opening up my ears and heart to listen. But when it didn't come in those first few lines of the homily, I drifted off, I guess. In a sense, I closed up slightly. But of course, it wasn't long before something touched me. (Of course, I'm not preaching Catholicism. I'm nowhere near good enough for that.) And before long, I was listening again. Open.

Now, most homilies aren't life-changing. Or in my case, I haven't heard any that have changed my own life. But I guess it's a long journey of Catholic Faith, and these are little steps. Small slots of time taken out of our hectic lives to just sit, whether willing or reluctant - we're there, aren't we? (These small hours.) Food for thought: Rejection. Acceptance. Family. Emotional distance. Revenge. Closing up our hearts. Love, above all.

"4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9or we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

"We are called to be prophets of Love."

1927.

Books #1,

2010-01-30T18:54:00.005+08:00

Cream-coloured paperbacks.

On Thursday,

I whiled away the whole time at home reading for 3 hours and fell asleep the minute I put "After Dark" on the bedside table. (So much for finishing my Chemistry holiday homework.) I loved it though, how it says it's written from a point of view. Literally, a presence above/around us all. I loved how the chapters start off with a single sentence of where we are now. I loved how the chapters are numbered by time throughout the night. I loved that fine line between night and day.

I love that character, those boys who seem to be really slack and look like the kind that just fool around, but are really actually the most sincere and kindest people you'll ever know. It kind of reminded me of "Dexter" from "This Lullaby", back in lower secondary when I read Sarah Dessen. Thin as it was, it gripped me more than "Norwegian Wood" or the others ever did. After "After The Quake", it'll be back to book-hunting. A change will be in play, of course.

We shall read anew.

1914.

Run, Run, Run,

2010-01-28T19:54:00.006+08:00

There's no stopping us.

Today was a peaceful day. Nothing was blown out of proportions. No repetitive lamentations, over and over again, in this little head of mine. No quivers through my blood. No hairs standing on end. I felt like I was surrounded by a thin film of quietness. But now, when I type it out in a concrete statement like that, the possibility of it vanishing without a trace seems very real. We're ever so vulnerable, you know. It doesn't scare me at this very moment. It might though, when the time comes. I don't know when it'll be. I always only know when the thought has developed enough to make my head swell.

There is a time lag now, between the world and I. Afterthoughts are no longer a-moment-later, but hours (perhaps days) later. Feelings sneak in from the bottom of this pit and slowly, ever so slowly, break through the surface. Perhaps, there has always been a time lag. Not just for me, but for everybody. And for each and every person, the length of that lag is different. And when you find the people who've been pulled back on that time line exactly as much as you have, you become ... Friends?

On the way home, I came to realise that you, too, will leave me one day, just as he has - in the very exact same way. It was like my mind had been secretly turning its gears with all the telltale signs, without me knowing, and now the finished product has been presented formally to me. When the realisation came, I wasn't sad. It's not that I was in denial. It was really just a matter-of-fact thing. Not a proud declaration. Not a piece of sad news. Not an authoritative instruction. Just a mechanical thought. A notification.

And I'm fine with that.

2009.

Those Nothing Posts +1,

2010-01-27T22:21:00.002+08:00

I signalled/said/repeated IMY to a person today.
And I got a less than lacklustre reaction.
It was sad. But not really.
It comes and goes.

2222.

Come Back Another Day,

2010-01-26T19:28:00.009+08:00

There's only this.

Another day. 1214 HRS. "I feel delicate today. Like anything could set me off. Maybe because you're not here. I don't know. Feel stifled during lessons. Maybe that's why I'm ponning GP. The grand stand's really nice when it's not used for GST. Said too much already, it seems."

Did you know that you can hear footsteps in the wind? It's that pitter patter of air in motion that makes your ears prick up and brings alertness to your mind. I hear laughter too. It sounds and feels distant, but I think I know where it's coming from. I am not part of that laughter. "This was never any place I was meant to be." To be pulled in opposite directions by an unresting unknown force is tiring. To be constantly having to impose on others is just sickening.

Is this how it feels to grow up? When will we ever reach a concrete conclusion? Speculation. Talk. Hushed whispers. Lives lived through the lives of others. Right here and right now, I nail down a steel sign. It is red and big and is the kind of sign that has its message RIGHT. IN. YOUR. FACE. Only one word, "Stop." But no, we won't. We're caught in a cycle. A sick, twisted, torturous cycle. No sign will stop us. No man will stop us. We stop ourselves, but of course we won't. We won't.

Life, with its little nuances, shocks you a lot of the time. It's a constant struggle. And every moment now, I can feel my blood trembling. I can feel the bile sliding up my throat. Any moment now, any moment now. I'd warn you not to be the unfortunate ones. There is a disconcerting quiver running through my skin and my hair stands on end. Recently, all of this has become longer-than-temporary bodily sensations. It is scary because they are unexplainable.

The delicate balance of this life has tipped over. Its contents have spilt and in this memory hard drive, cursor blinking, we type "order" into that blank white search box. 1 second. 2 seconds. 3 seconds. "Search is complete. There are no results to display." A bite on that lower lip. A fleeting puzzled expression. Looking down on the floor, grey matter looks right back at you. There is no difference between this one and that. How do we arrange all these that look the same? Similar. Unfamiliar.

Why do we try so hard?

2010.

Gallery Of Broken Parts,

2010-01-25T20:08:00.003+08:00

I just want to feel something today.

So I thought ...

I'd blog a bit before I get down to work and eating dinner. Unknowingly, I realised that I have become hungry. With the towel still wrapped around my head, fresh from my bath, we await and see what comes out from this string of shapes. Happy Monday, everybody. I hope it was a good day for you. In its very essence, it's been a ho-hum doldrum day for me. But of course, it doesn't look that way from the outside. Nothing's ever as it seems.

On the way home, I came upon a peculiar sight. I was fascinated by it for a few seconds, but my attention almost immediately fluttered back to the book I was holding. (The Elephant Vanishes) As I was saying, the sight was, in fact, 3 Madrasah school kids and a Caucasian man watching something on the PSP together. It was so cute and in my head I was thinking, "This is such a snapshot-worthy scene." But of course, no - I didn't take a photo. That would have be intrusive.

Okay, towel not wrapped around my head now because it was getting a bit too stuffy under there. Besides, the wind running its fingers through my hair is a nice feeling. So anyway, my point in mentioning what I saw on the train was ... I don't know. For that few seconds that I was looking at them, I had a warm feeling. Maybe because strangers can bond over such a thing, a video, and on such a crowded train. The setting seemed so wrong, but it looked so right. That sort of thing.

I blog in my head, sometimes.

Actually, quite often nowadays. I think about what I'm going to say, which parts of the day will/should be mentioned, how I'm going to phrase it etc. Usually, it doesn't come out right. It hardly ever comes out right. In my head, the thoughts are clear and precise and halfway planned. But click click click, fingers in contact with the keyboard, what gets typed out is a different story. I think I said something like this before, but yes, maybe plans are just some sort of ornamental bits of life.

Easily influenced I am. I can feel and see myself writing in the not-so-usual way. I swear, it's the Haruki Murakami stories I'm reading. But then again, what's my usual way of writing? Perhaps I'm overly pretentious and thinking I have my own way. Yeah right. I really over-think things. Really. That's how it is though. Even the way I talk, sometimes, give me 2/3 days and the way I say things will be affected. I find this slightly bemusing because I've always prided myself on being not-so-easily-influenced. Or so I thought. ... Hmmm, guess not.

Long conversations with heightened thoughts, we take on a role. Thinker. Speaker. Listener. Manipulator. Child. Maybe we grew up. Maybe just tired. Maybe "something". There will always be "something". Do not attempt to lie with "nothing"(s), because "nothing" only presents a clear insight to pain and hurt. At some point, we look around only to find that this is not the path we wish to take. That maybe, just maybe, we don't need these unnecessary chit-chatter in our heads. That maybe, this is the wrong thing to fill the void within ourselves.

Going on will have its repercussions, and so will turning back. We make choices. We have to. In this case, it's a withdrawal on our parts - from the fight that should have never been there to begin with. Rejection. Blood. Silence. Who knows what will come out of it? We all have our own story to tell. When you've turned your back from it all long enough, there but remains a dull ache in the pits of your being. Distant but never fading. Can you feel it?

Change, and I know I have.
Somehow, I get by.
We get by.

2044.

Our Own Inhumanity,

2010-01-23T22:20:00.003+08:00

Subtleties.

It's been a lovely day.

And because it was a little better than all the other past few days, I might end up blogging about it in painstaking detail. Who knows? I've come to learn that good days don't come often in current times. Sad thought, but then it makes all the little things seem a little more that worth noticing. When one door closes, another opens. The day didn't start out great, but by the end - it seemed surreal to me, as if I might have imagined it all.

The morning was filled with sighs. I don't know. Maybe it was a lead up from the day before. Friday was a not-so-nice day, it could very well have brought forward it's dampness into the day ahead. I read on the way to school and dimmed my music to a minimum, like it was a faraway tune that was subconsciously getting ingrained into my head. I don't remember anything being played, actually. I don't remember specifically the part of the story I was reading either.

A saxophone solo came out though, above everything else beneath it, from American Graffiti XIX and I missed Eugene. It was sudden. But it wasn't unexpected. Every now and then, I get reminded of him. Places where there should be a saxophone sound, when it's mentioned that I'm the only librarian, seeing T29 that first day of Math lectures - that sort of thing. The first time we sight-read the piece, he played it well. He got a pat on the back from Sir, the rest of us were all smiles and he had that slightly embarrassed expression people get when they're praised. I miss those days, really. But we move on.

I can't say that we had a productive sectionals today, but it wasn't too bad. There was a lot to cover. It would have been impossible to reach perfection within the given amount of time, but we tried. We didn't necessarily give our very best, but we tried nonetheless. Maybe that's why I was a bit disappointed. We didn't sound bad enough to get thrown out. But we didn't sound good enough to get the silent affirmation that can only be expected from a conductor like Sir. Either way, mediocrity's never the way to go. So ... We shall keep working on it.

Lunch was at Long John Silver's, the movie was ditched and off I went, on my own. I didn't want to be with people. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to read my book. So I decided to take a long bus ride. I stood at the Plaza Singapura bus stop for quite a while contemplating the best service to take, with 2.5 hours to kill. 124 was it and I boarded at around 4.55 - read a bit, then fell asleep. When I woke up, I was at Clarke Quay and a few bus stops later - I was back at Dhoby Ghaut. By then, it was 6.10.

I took 174 this time, to Coronation Plaza, (The wonders of Concession. :D) and carried out my plan to buy a drink from Starbucks to drink while I read on 151, which I was supposed to take to NUS. I would have much rather sat at that Starbucks and read while sucking up every bit of my Frapp - but of course, time will not allow it. I thought I was going to be late, actually - but I arrived quite early - 7.15.

The concert was immensely enjoyable. I enjoyed almost every minute of it, from start to finish. I say almost because I got bored for one or two minutes at some point. Hmmm, maybe "bored" isn't the word. It was more of a moment where it didn't capture me enough so much so that my thoughts wandered off to some place else. To a lot of things, actually - but I can't really remember now. My memory's becoming poorer. Either that, or everything just seems a little less real, a little harder to capture into a vivid clear memory.

Since I was there, I tried to make it a learning experience. I looked at how they cued each other, became amazed at how they could pick up an accelerating tempo, crescendo magnificently together - that sort of thing. I don't think much got in though. But the performance gave me a warm feeling inside because at some point, it really made me feel like everything might come back to me. Everything that had suddenly disappeared some time ago. Everything that I know I should and need and want to get back.

On the way home, I read some more. It was a lovely day, in a really quiet way. Not so literally, of course - but quiet enough. I read, drank frappe, listened to music, had small conversations, sat on long bus rides. It was comforting because it didn't feel like anybody was judging me. Nobody was prying. Nobody gave me the questioning look. If you want to put it in a bad way, maybe it's because nobody bothered. But for me, today, it was okay. And I'm totally fine with that.

I don't know why I'm blogging in such a manner.

Perhaps it's because I'm currently reading Haruki Murakami. I have 5 of his books with me. The first (The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles) I read was fascinating, the second (Sputnik Sweetheart) was confusing - I don't know how the third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh will be like. We'll have to wait and see. I foresee myself getting bored soon enough though. It's because they all seem to boil down to the same story: -

Strange people meet other strange people. Or strange people meet ordinary people and turn them into strange people. Then these strange people come together and have epiphanies that somehow miraculously make things convoluted, but in the end - everything will boil down to a single fact that will unravel the mysteries of whatever that has happened. ... Actually, I'm talking bullshit. And by bullshit, I mean talk without any basis of fact. So just ignore me.

Do you mean it this time?

2338.

All At Once,

2010-01-22T21:09:00.011+08:00

Whirlpool.

The worst feelings in life:

Being told that someone is better than you.
Knowing that you're being lied to.
Letting yourself be beat down.
Crying hard.
Losing someone close.
Watching yourself fade away.
Falling apart because you're alone.
Being alone because you're falling apart.
Hating yourself.
Not being good enough.
Being told that she's prettier.
Being mad at someone because you're mad at yourself.
Best friends falling apart.
Being told that you are fat.
Breaking up.
Falling out of love.
Being used.
Being made fun of.
Changing for someone else.
Realising that he doesn't love you.
Falling asleep alone when he should be next to you.
(via samevein@tumblr)

2112.

[/edit]

Hopes dashed. Faith doused in "holy" water. We hang on. Most would hold their grip even tighter. But I've long let gone of mine. I've long left behind the hopeful, optimistic, persevering damsel I once was. Because life is hard and brutal. It'll hit you right where it hurts so much, forcing you out of disillusionment. Hearts left vulnerable in cases of fragile bone. Soles in contact with dirty ground. We kick up a dust storm. Eyes blinded by darkness. With our hands, we feel - but everything's cold to the touch. Why? Souls brimming with emotion. The river overflows. The fish die. Six feet under, the dead breathe. How does it feel like to be alone? First - Grim. Frustrated. Then - Empty. Lovely. Quiet. Mystical. Far off. Reminiscent. Above and beyond. I'm just not ready to talk about it. I'm sorry.

2129.

Crimson Crystal Trees,

2010-01-19T22:03:00.008+08:00

Split. Spilt.

Tomorrow -
Is an important day.

But it's not like I can do much. There's school. There's band. There's PTM in the evening. I have no idea what the others' schedules are. What is there to do? It's a little too late, is it? And in spite of the gravity of my have-not-touched-work-at-all-for-about-3/4-months situation, this is what I'm thinking about. It's funny how my brain works. It's ridiculous how irrationally I prioritise the thoughts and tasks in my head. ... Sometimes.

Speaking of rationality,

I totally lost that today. Beyond unreasonable doubt and undeniably, I did. But it's not like the breakdown was totally without reason. It wasn't like the outbursts were uncalled for. It's not like I just suddenly decided to radically switch from mopey to agitated to totally alright or all of that at once. I don't want to start this again. I don't want to go through it again. But the thing is, it's not that simple to block out the noise. It's fucking difficult. And unfortunately, for me, I think it always will be. Coming and going. Coming and going.

And actually,

I'm supposed to finish Arenes and Differential Equations tutorials by tonight. That was supposed to the plan made after 3 hours ++ of bridge/daidi, the best Duck Rice for dinner, having to walk the longest route ever to the nearest dustbin, (stupid Orchard MRT) and queuing up in a ridiculously long line just to buy fulscap. (stupid Jurong Point POPULAR on weekday nights, WHY SO MANY PEOPLE!?) But I'm too tired/lazy now. Maybe I'll go to school early and do. Maybe, but I bet I won't. ... I guess some plans are made just so we don't follow them.

(Stop judging me.)

2236.

[/edit]

"Sometimes you have to let go of people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey. But not everyone is meant to stay there."

Sometimes, they come back.
Most of the time, they don't.

2256.

This Hypocrisy's -

2010-01-17T17:46:00.008+08:00

Beginning to get to me.

First week of school over -
And yes, it's fast.

It seems like just yesterday that we were all complaining and freaking out over school starting tomorrow. But Week 1 2 over! That's ... I-have-no-idea-how-many more weeks to go. Well, it's been a bad start, studies-wise. I haven't done any homework at all and although God seems to be giving me enough time to be able to finish holiday homework, I'm not using that time to do what I should be doing. Basically, it's reach home, change, lie in bed to sleep/watch TV/slack/whatever.

Note, it's a rant coming up.

And I can't stand it. I hate everything and everyone about it right now. Really, I do. Every night, I think about it and I think about everybody and it makes me cry. I hate it and everybody. Everybody also hates me. I cannot emphasise that enough. It's maddening and frustrating and I want to tell them to fuck off, but I can't. It's not like anyone bothers enough to listen. It's not like anyone really listens anyway. I see their eyes and minds wandering off to other places. I see the rejection on their faces. I see them getting what I'm saying into their head, then thinking about it, rejecting it then throwing it out the next second and pretending like they did get it in their heads.

So fuck this. Why bother? Just do what you have to do, right. I can't stoop to their level. If I were a rebel by nature and so oh-everyone's-doing-this-so-I'm-not-going-to-do-it, I wouldn't let that part of my character stop me from abiding by the rules. And of course, I won't make excuses for that mistake. I'm not stubborn enough to close my mind to all other ideas that are different from mine, which may be flawed, but if so, then so are my own ideas, right - so why not listen to other people for once? We're all in this together? My ass. So let everyone think I'm a bitch, because some people just don't have the guts to stand up and fight.

You know, you really can't take some people seriously, ever. They're not firm. They're not even serious when they're doing stuff. So do they deserve my respect? No. So fuck that too. And making it sound as if I didn't do anything? I can only laugh in exasperation. When the worst possible combination of people were doing something for us - did anyone choose to do anything about it? No. And accusing me? Now, that's really not funny. So why don't we just be like everybody and leave? That's what we really want to do, isn't it?

Of course, I don't know about the others. Because the others don't make it so blatantly obvious, unlike some people. Other people don't suddenly shift their attention away from something they are supposed to be heading. Other people don't lament on missed opportunities for one self because we had to do something for the good of a greater group of people. Maybe we all do, but at least not publicly. It's for the greater good, ever heard of that line? I guess not.

There wasn't supposed to be a drop. There were measures taken so that there wouldn't be a drop. But I guess life is really unpredictable, huh. Irregardless, there was a drop. And guess what? I'm so weak that I'm dropping down as well. Haha, it's such a sad laughable thought. So down down we all go. Burn in Hell. Burn in wherever. And honestly, I won't be surprised if we do. And I won't be unhappy if we do because it's expected. What a grim predicament I foresee for ourselves. But who cares, really? Coz' I know you don't.

Fuck this shit.
Even I don't know how much of this is truth -
Or how much of it is really a lie.

1812.

Wash. Rinse. Spin.

2010-01-12T21:49:00.003+08:00

Repeat.

2 days in, and what can I say?
School's a bitch.

But contrary to that statement, which gives off a seemingly I-really-hate-school demeanour, I am actually glad to be back. Nicole and I were all smiles yesterday at our first assembly of the year but back-to-school briefing started and we slumped back into our sian modes. (Not necessarily unhappy, mind you.) That doesn't matter though, the whole of yesterday was like a memory brought back to life. It amazes me how it's the first day back and everything seems as if we never went for a break at all. (Not that I had much of a holiday anyway.)

Really though, from Norman getting thrown out of class to the horrible grammatical and spelling errors of our Home Tutor - some things just never change and it made me smile thinking about it. I felt like I was watching a movie of fond memories being replayed. It was sweet and heart-warming. Nevertheless, school will be school and we have barely begun lessons. We went through a bit of Macroeconomics yesterday, a little of Reaction Kinetics today and a refresher of Wuthering Heights through Twitter language.

Of course, I do not support convoluting great novels into a bitch-worthy message of 140 characters but admittedly, it was fun. If not, amusing. And with that in mind, I shall attempt to get myself kicked off the pedestal of "The Bitchiest (not in the hate-worthy way) Of Them All" and also "The Glutton". OMG THE CLASS IS SCOLDING ME LIKE ALMOST EVERY MINUTE FOR EATING HAHAHA. Apparently, I eat too much. ... That, I can't really deny haha.

Come to think of it, they have absolutely good reason to berate me. Note to self? Don't go to Norman or Darren's house or houses with hosts who give you free reign over their fridge. :D But actually, Norman and Darren sort of banned me from the fridges while I was over but I defied their mild acts of authority haha. All that said, exercise is a must and eating less should probably be a must too. With so many people on my heels just from 2T35 alone, it shouldn't be that hard. Right? (TERESA BABY, HELP ME HAHA.)

Open House today,

And it really wasn't too bad. My singing sucked and now that I think about it, everything seems like a blur but other than that, all's well! Christopher said it was awesome. Xing Hao and everybody else looked happy so I suppose it was satisfactory. (: One vivid thing I remember was eating many sweets and a significant amount of chocolate, which was probably the reason why I had no appetite for dinner. Hmmm, refer to above 2 paragraphs haha.

I've decided that maybe I won't sing in public or into microphones anymore. I think my voice amplified sounds ... Not so nice or at least, not to my liking. Actually ... Why is it that only when I sing through a microphone in CJC, then it sounds not so nice? I sound fine elsewhere/without a mic. Depressing. ): Anyway, enough moping about my singing ugh. One shout out - THANK YOU BRIAN, YOU LOVELY DUDE. You can be my Guitar Hero. I love you! ♥ ♥ ♥

So tomorrow ...

We start a new day. No excuses to slack off this time. It's not the first day of school. Neither is the day of our Open House. To me, tomorrow is really the start of school proper and the cruel cycle we all willingly dive into starts spinning, slowly gaining speed until we come to a screeching halt that will flip our whole worlds upside down. Homework remains completely untouched and completely unseen. What new adventures will JC2 bring?

2224.

Too Strong For Too Long,

2010-01-10T22:23:00.003+08:00

And I can't be without you.

School tomorrow.
There are so many things I could say.

Here we go again.
Fuck it.
Bring it on.
SIGHS.

It's going to be a long, but fast year. And I can't believe it's finally the start of the A Level year but we'll see how it goes. I'm already (sort of) counting the days to the end of it all, and the end of other things. For now, I'll take it one step at a time. And I know that it won't be one without tears, a million curse words and screams. Well, whatever. When I wake up, hmmm I don't know. ... Afterthought, "I absolutely cannot be late for the first day of J2."

2231.

The Love Of A Lifetime,

2010-01-04T22:08:00.002+08:00

I was in perfect company.

Welcome to 2010, world.

Happy New Year, it's January 4 already and that means another week to go before school school. This week is band-filled and I really have to got to start getting "excited" again. It's been a while. I don't know what changed. It. Them. Me. Which is it? All I know is, if I don't get back on track - the next few months are going to be Hell. In spite of all this, I enjoyed (half) practice today. (Damn you, stomach.) I didn't finish reading through Esmeralda or finished the library but this feeling reminds me why I'm still in it after all this while. (:

... But then, 1 hour later, and reality comes to bite you back harshly in the butt and you think, "Why in the world are we doing any of this?" :@ Bite your lip, grit your teeth and let's carry on, friends - for we can be so much bigger than any of this shit. Or at least we all hope to be, and you know what? With hope, a little bit of hard work, and a little help from our friends, we'll all get there. When we cross that finish line, I will breathe easy.

But for now, no -
We shan't worry our lives away.

2315.